an end of an era...

i know that i've talked about Young Life many times on here. it's because YL has been a part of my life for a long time. once i experienced it in high school at windy gap in the summer of 1994 i knew i wanted to be a part of this ministry for the rest of my life. and i have had the opportunity to do just that for the past 17 years.
in high school i got involved my junior year after this trip to windy gap. i saw YL as a great opportunity to grow in my faith and reach out to my friends. i got to go to frontier in colorado with a cabin full of girls that i still call friends today. i was loved by a leader who is still my friend.
in college it took me a few years to become a leader. after spending a month on summer staff in 1999 i knew i had to lead and become a part of a community like the one i experienced for that month. later that year i met with the area director in cabarrus county and by january i was signed up to lead at northwest cabarrus. i remember that first club vividly as they introduced me as the new leader. i remember the girls i met first as they squealed with excitement to be at club. i remember the group of leaders that i got to become friends with. i spent 2 1/2 more years leading in cabarrus county. and i knew i wanted to go on staff with YL after college. i'm still friends with one of those squealing girls and another girl that we had campaigners at her house often. they both had a heart for their friends. now they are both married. it's fun to get to see them still. i'm still friends with the area director i met with all those years ago and a handful of the leaders i was fortunate to lead beside. those were some of my favorite years. i think in college i was a great leader. :)

"my girls" from Northwest Cabarrus @ Windy Gap

in 2002 i went on staff with YL in louisiana where i spent 2 years leading either solo or with 1 or 2 other leaders. our clubs weren't huge in numbers, but they were fun. we had a couple guys playing music and some pretty faithful kids that made it all worth it. those 2 years were a time of growing and stretching for me. i met one of my closest friends, laura, who i spent a lot of time with exploring the city of new orleans and talking about God, life and ministry. i also lived with a couple amazing families who loved me like their own and totally believed in what i was doing. ministry was hard, but i made some pretty amazing friends along the way and I know God was at work. i also met my husband as i "moonlighted" at Outback Steakhouse. he started out as my "movie star crush" and eventually became my husband. after my two years in louisiana, i moved back to Charlotte.

me and Adam at the STC carnival


2 of my girls in LA...Lauren and Maribeth

my soul sista, Laura

i took some time off from YL staff and a break from leading for a year. in 2005 a friend asked me to go to frontier with a group of girls from myers park. you did not have to twist my arm. after a year of leading at MP i went back on staff with YL and became a leader at Country Day. for a girl who grew up on the "other side of the tracks" and graduated from West Charlotte, leading at Country Day was a new and surprising experience. i loved every bit of it. i discovered leading at a private school was unique and we needed to make some programatic adjustments. but high school kids are the same everywhere. so, the core of the ministry...building relationships with high school kids and telling them about Jesus...was the same, sometimes it just looked different. in the past 5+ years i have had the amazing opportunity to get to know many high school kids and become friends with some great girls who i hope to know for many years to come. God has given me the opportunity to share my life with them in unique ways. i've gotten to know siblings and parents too. i feel like i was totally embraced by them. i'm sure they weren't crazy about their kids hanging out with the leader with a nose ring, but i think they knew my heart.
about 6 weeks ago i began feeling God doing something in my heart in regards to YL. let's be honest, the past year or so has been tough, but kid ministry for me has been wonderful and unique as i've walked through cancer and being laid-off. my summer with kids was incredible as i began to let them into what was going on. i got to experience God's grace and love along the way. and at the end of the day, i love high school kids. love them. but i was feeling overwhelmed and lonely with YL. i was trying to blame other things, but i think God was calling me away from leading YL. and i resisted. i wanted to prove i could lead YL as a volunteer and with cancer. adam helped me see just how prideful and sinful this was. i struggled for a few weeks as i figured things out. then through a conversation with my own YL leader and pastor, God made it clear it was time for me to step down. i was hoping he'd make it easy on me, like if i didn't like high school kids anymore. but he didn't. he did however, give me the greatest peace ever. it was clear what i needed to do and when i made the decision i had tremendous peace.

adam and i have a lot going on. duh. and it's important for us to pour our energy into our marriage, family and community. we needed our schedule to be freed up to pursue time with each other and friends. and already we've been able to do that. i also still get to be in high school girls' lives. i'm having lunch with a handful of senior girls every other week and will still hang out with the girls from camp and lead the junior girls' bible study on monday mornings. i also still stay in touch with the girls who've graduated and are now freshmen and sophomores at school. i am so thankful to still get to do what i think God called me to do originally...love high school girls and share my life with them. it's what Jesus did (not strictly with high school girls, obviously). YL is just a tool, a great one.

our cabin from frontier 2009

ccds group at frontier this summer

i am looking forward to this new season for us. to have more time for each other. to have the freedom to go to the school when i can. to keep pursuing the established relationships i have with girls. to build friendships with the girls who are now in college. and to pray for what God is continuing to do (without me. surprise) at Country Day.

the pink cancer fairy

i have no idea what comes over me on the day of the Race for the Cure but it's something for sure. i think it's God's way of helping me enjoy life. it's His way of allowing me to be who He made me to be in all my pink (and maybe even obnoxious) glory. but, it's a day that i get to be with so many people i love and who love me, who wake up extra early to don something pink with their "team patwa" t-shirt and walk 3 miles with me. i love it all. i love being surrounded by these people. i love getting to be a part of a bigger community of survivors and their loved ones. i love getting to wear a pink wig, fairy wings, knee high socks and fishnets.

me and courtney...bf & team captain


my friend (& old yl girl) leah
this was my 2nd year doing the race as a survivor. and sometimes it's weird that the reason the event even happens is because of and for woman like me. women whose lives have been turned upside down with a cancer diagnosis. i'm one of those women, and i still can't believe it.

me and my mom...a survivor herself of 13 years

most of the time i am so thankful for where God has me. i know that may sound crazy. and i'm not being all "religious" by saying the "right" thing while feeling something different. look, i'll be honest when i say that sometimes our life is really hard and it can totally suck. now that alone is enough for me to pull the covers over my head and never emerge. AND, lately the verse (and sundsay school song) that plays in my head is, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." we have so much to be thankful for. so much. and although there is a lot of uncertainty we know that God is faithful and good. life might feel unfair, but He isn't. life might feel crazy and chaotic, but He is not. people may disappoint, but He does not. for me, it's living in the AND...the tension of the good & bad, joy & pain. i can't ignore what's hard or scary, but I can take those to Jesus. it's where i find comfort and strength for each day. i think God made me for this trial. as crazy as that sounds. i believe it. and i believe that He is using this to draw me closer to Him, to reveal Himself to others, to grow and deepen my marriage, to bring me sweet and joyful moments with Charis, to change me and maybe those around me.

the girls from West Charlotte:

wc girls mk,jessamy,sal,me,julie,lindsay,kristin

my bf chaille

my sweet friends hannah & taryn

if i could go around charlotte in my pink wig and fishnets i totally would. and i might. because i have cancer. although i can't really do whatever i want, i do have more liberties to do something crazy. right?! i mean, who's going to say something to me?! oh goodness...so sassy. i think that's why i loved the outfit so much. oh and i also got to have a piece with DeAngelo Williams and some topcats that was pretty amazing. let's just say it involved me "flying in" then doing a sort of mary katherine gallagher pose then "flying out." i think it was pretty life-changing for those who witnessed it. :) oh goodness.

a little glimpse at the action

so, here is to another year. i am thankful for my family and friends that are a part of "team patwa" on the day of and in spirit. i guess i'd rather us not have to do it, but we do, so let's do it right! i hope we'll be back next year as a team and i hope to be cancer free then.

these two make it all worth fighting for!!

oh happy day!

I wrote the following the day of sydney's funeral. It was a happy day. It's been a month and I miss my friend a lot. There are a few links in this post I'd love for you to check out...you can listen to Sydney's funeral and another sermon I reference at Hope's website, and you should read Jen's stories about their little scrappy and their girls. just a head's up.

Today was sydney’s funeral…her party or celebration. And it was beautiful and marvelous and everything Sydney. The visitation last night wasn’t what I had pictured but it was what I needed (not that it's about me) and perfectly Sydney. It was a room full of people she loved and who loved her, sharing stories, comforting, weeping, smiling, laughing, remembering and celebrating her. Adam and I came home re-energized. It was what I think sydney would want and hope for.

Today the funeral was even better. I woke up tired and heavy and sad. This felt more final to last night’s celebration. But I was wrong. It was a wedding celebration at it’s finest. Mark talked a lot about marriage and weddings and all that scripture says about them. About how God’s love for us mirrors that of a husband and wife. About how today is a wedding as Sydney is meeting her bridegroom Jesus in heaven. We sang fun worship songs and heard from her brother and closest friend. Their words made us laugh and cry. One thing that struck me is how consistent Sydney was. She was the same to everyone and throughout all the years. She wasn’t afraid to be bold. And to point others to Jesus.

I am so struck by how she always pointed to Jesus…in words, in actions, in music, in art, in friendships, in marriage, in everything she did. For those who know Jesus, she was part of bringing us closer to Him. For those who didn’t know Jesus she was Jesus to them. I am pretty sure she introduced many people to Jesus. So many of us are forever changed because of her. I know her death is bringing more people to Jesus. It’s glorious. That was evident today. People who were there today saw Jesus. They also saw a church that is real and living out the Gospel. And that gets me pretty jazzed up.

Just hours after saying good-bye to Syd I got the news from Jen that she and Chris got their babies. The first I heard about them was last week. At the time her heart was heavy from what they had just walked through (little Scrappy). They drove to meet the girls yesterday and fell in love. It would be a whole day for them to make the decision. Around 5pm Jen called and said, “we are going to pick up our daughters at 10 tomorrow!” I wept. So much joy was bubbling over. They are 3 and 5. I cannot wait to meet them. And I cannot wait to see Chris and Jen as daddy and mama.

For all this to happen this week is a beautiful picture of the Gospel. Redemption. Restoration. Homecoming. Glory. Rejoicing. Joy. Sadness too. The week started with great sadness for me as I felt this was Syd’s final battle. Then at church Mark preached on our suffering bringing us closer to the resurrection and he used the Hunts’ story as an illustration. It was beautiful and sad. And syd’s parents were there too. That day we knew Syd would probably not make it another day. Jesus took her home on Monday. Her absence is massive. We are ending this week celebrating the homecoming of our sweet Sydney to heaven and 2 little girls into our community. It’s unbelievable. It’s nothing short of a miracle. We prayed for syd to be set free and she is. We’ve prayed for the hunts to have kids and now they have 2. And it hasn’t been without deep suffering and rich joy. I am thankful to be both of their friends. I am thankful to be a daughter of the King. I am thankful God loves me enough to take me through my own suffering. I am thankful to be a part of such a ridiculously amazing community. I am thankful for today. Today is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you Jesus for my friend, Sydney. Thank you for these little girls coming home to Jen and Chris. Thank you.

spread the word

i should have my friend, taryn, guest blog sometimes. she's funky and creative. she's fun and easy to be with. and she has an amazing little girl, nora, who is curious and inquisitive and not ashamed to speak her mind or ask questions. there have been many stories in the past that i wish i could have captured on my blog because they are funny.

aren't they the cutest!?

recently we were hanging out with these 2 favorite girls of mine when nora asked if i was a boy. taryn told her that some girls have short hair and mine is just really short. but, you see it wasn't my hair that got her questioning. it was my chest. as if she wasn't convinced she began patting my chest and asking about my "boobies." taryn and i sort of giggled to diffuse the "situation" and i told taryn she could handle that. she calmly told nora that she'd have to talk to her about it later. and later she did. i got a text from taryn that said, "fyi i ended up telling nora that women have many different chest shapes, but we all have vaginas. spread the word." i almost said an "amen" when i read that text. taryn was able to keep the integrity of her daughter's curiosity without shaming her or over explaining. a child doesn't need to know that i have had surgery to remove my breasts. or that something was wrong with my breasts. it's that simple and true...we all have different shapes and sizes of chest, but we all have vaginas. i'm doing my part to spread the word.

i'm thankful charis has nora in her life

this is a funny kid story laced with something very heavy. in the days following this i realized that my own daughter may not grow up expecting to see or feel breasts on women like nora did. i am not afraid to change clothes in front of my daughter because i don't have anything to hide. but i realize that she is seeing a woman's body differently than most (all) little girls. it's not that i have a "flat chest" or small breasts; it's that in place of breasts i have scars. adam and i are aware that this will affect her as she becomes a woman, but by no means do we think it's something we will talk about anytime soon. i have no idea how old she'll be when she starts asking where my "boobies" are. hopefully by then, i'll have reconstruction. but that isn't guaranteed. in the mean time i want to make sure that she doesn't see me as ashamed of or embarrassed by my body. and that's hard because i am. i'm learning to know WHOSE i am; that i am beautiful and loved despite how my body looks. one of my favorite passages that i'm clinging to now is
"For we are God's handiwork (workmanship; masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

hair reflections

i've had a lot of reflections lately. reflections about my friend sydney, her family, her friends, our community, God. reflections about cancer, death & life. reflections about hair. i knew i'd lose my hair again for this round of chemo. i had just started liking my kinky-curly-post-chemo-hair, only to start losing it again. i had decided not to have another head shaving party. that's just too weird. i would keep it a bit longer and i kinda wanted to do a mini mohawk. something a little fun. i have been a bit more timid about losing my hair this year because this time i don't have breasts. it's hard that most of my body isn't feminine, and how much hair and breasts are a part of that. my friend sydney's little girl told me the other day that i look like a girl still because..."you have earrings and a necklace. and you're wearing a dress. that's how you can tell you still look like a girl." in her 5 year old mind, it was that simple. and i'm grateful for that.

my hair started coming out midway between my 1st and 2nd round of chemo. it wasn't dramatic. just lots of stray hairs, which is kind of gross. while in charleston i decided to spend the money to get it cut...trimmed on the sides and longer on top. it was subtle. and after a week i didn't like it any more. it made me look and feel more like a guy and less funky. so i was going to shave it. this time we did a sort of family head shaving party...my brother and dad began buzzing my head. my brother shaved the sides into a legit mohawk. with the encouragement of adam, my brother and sister i decided to keep the hawk. just for a day. according to adam it doesn't count if you only have it for a little bit. i was a little nervous at first. mohawks are abrupt and funky, right up my alley.

tony making the finishing touches on the hawk


charis wasn't quite sure what was going on with "mommy hair"

when my friend sydney died i knew i needed to keep the mohawk for the week. she would have totally loved it. i wish she could have seen it. by the end of the week my hair was still coming out, so adam shaved off the hawk. i have to admit i liked it and wish i did it sooner. i got lots of looks and sideways glances. you don't see many mohawks in charlotte.

a side view taken the day of syd's funeral

i'm not attached to may hair. it's just hair. yet if you ask most women they would say it'd be hard to lose their hair. hair helps us identify as women. it helps us feel pretty and feminine. we can color it and style it. we often spend absurd amounts of money to keep it up. i don't mind being bald. i think if i really minded i'd find a wig i liked and wear it. i struggle with wearing anything on my head, whether a scarf or wig. it makes me feel more self-conscious. so, i will embrace my baldness. i will live in the innocence of a 5 year old and find other ways to be feminine. i will continue to find bravery and strength from Jesus. it's through Him that i get through each day. my hope is in Jesus. my identity is in Jesus. not by hair.

not pretty...our little head shaving party


i'm thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what i look like. this isn't the woman he married (on the outside). i can only hope what God is doing on our insides is way better. i'm sure it is. he really is wonderful. he still thinks and tells me i'm pretty.
"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day bay day." 2 Cor. 4:16

22 months of FULLness

this is the look she gives most people

we are getting so close to 2 years old. i can't believe it. then i get to officially stop aging her in months. man, people can be really particular about this. i might say, "a year and half" and they are like, "oh, 18 months" and i'm like, "well, technically 21 months." or i might say, "she's 21 months" and someone is all, "gotta be real specific there, huh?" or something like that. i mean, it make sense to do the whole month thing. but, now i say, "she's almost 2" or "she'll be 2 in november." i didn't realize people cared so much. anyway...let's get to the matter at hand...our baby is almost 2!! crazy. and she is changing more rapidly it seems. becoming a big girl. getting a little naughty. talking a bunch. and still the prettiest little patwa ever. (i would say prettiest little girl ever, but that is pretentious even if it is true)

it has been a FULL month. she is keeping us busy. we are learning about discipline on the fly at times. she is like a sponge. it's as if you can watch her learn, like actually see it happening. it's crazy and totally fascinating.

kisses from daddy

- as i said in my previous post...we are potty-training. she is officially out of diapers and wearing big girl underwear. she is good at telling us she needs to go (or has gone) pee pee. and, thankfully, she has no problem going poo poo on the potty. i've heard that can be a challenge.

cooperating while daddy traces her

- she still eats like a champ. my friend is always commenting on her "sophisticated pallet." i mean, we just give her things to try and are always surprised by what she'll eat. like raw onions, for instance. loves them. which i agree is kind of strange. she also loves to eat cereal, especially drinking the milk at the end.

LOVES to drink milk from her cereal bowl

- she is talking a ton. she is willing to try out any and all new words. that's where it's fun to watch...as if you can see her learning. and when she says a word it's so cute. like "shadow" and "work" and "picture" and "pocket" which sounds like "potchure". she's doing the whole stringing words together..."daddy work", "mommy write", "i want water", "dolly night night", "ride car" and stuff like that. she's able to communicate so much. there is still a lot i don't get or understand. i always thought when you became a mom that changed. not so much for me. but we're figuring it out. oh and she's FINALLY saying "thank you." i think she's just been playing me the whole time. figures.

first time painting

- i've also noticed her ability to get around more/better. her wobbly walk turned into a run. i have to be discreet when i go after her b/c she'll take off. i've gotten too comfortable letting her wonder. at a recent high school football game she'd just walk up to a group of kids; mostly grade school age. i felt pretty safe. i mean, it was country day. but later on i kept thinking about that i may be too comfortable and it started freaking me out. i'm just trying to give her space to roam.

doing yoga with daddy

- she's spending her first night tonight in a BIG GIRL bed. her pap pap and nana brought her new bed over yesterday and got some new bedding tonight. we set it all up and she went down fine. we just checked on her all stretched out in her twin bed. it's weird how in her crib she didn't really have covers (sheet and blanket) or a pillow and now she does. we'll see how the night goes.

i mean! how cute is that face in her big girl bed!

- she LOVED the beach and i'm so thankful we got to go this summer. she loves water. she could spend hours in the bathtub kicking and blowing bubbles. i hope we can get a final swim in at my dad's. and there is the indoor pool at the Y. we gotta do that more. she's our little water baby.

having fun in the pool with daddy

- i think she's getting some more teeth...the fangs. it just means she drools a lot and has her fingers in her mouth. it makes her moody too.

i just think she's so cute in this hat!

- we went to the Indian Festival recently for some good food. we really just went for the food which was yummy!! she wasn't afraid to try it.

enjoying a samosa

- she has got a strong will and is feisty. i love every ounce of her. but she can be naughty. she is becoming more aware of what she's not supposed to be doing. it's funny to watch her. well, not funny, interesting. recently she was drinking out of a cup in the car. i looked back and saw that she was putting something in it. she immediately pointed at me as if to say, "turn around! nothing to see here." this went on a few times. one time i looked back and she held the cup to her mouth, pretending to drink. she knew. i took the cup back and found crumbs from her car seat in the bottom. so, it's part of our responsibility to teach her right from wrong and set up healthy boundaries and not shame her and teach her about repentance and grace. phew! it can be so overwhelming. and sometimes i don't feel equipped. it makes me realize i can't do this without God and without Adam.

rocking the headband

- she started back to school last week. she's in the "young 2's" class and gets to be with her friend, desiree. she seems to love it. she's so easy about going with others and into childcare, which is nice.

so excited for her first day of school

- we celebrated our friend, Caroline's 2nd birthday with some of her daddy's yummy bbq. charis enjoyed playing with the beach ball, toy broom, playing solo and eating.

more interested in the camera than the birthday girl. sad

in light of the news we got last week about the strong possibility of not having any more kids i've done a lot of thinking about how thankful i am for sweet charis. i could not have anticipated this 2 1/2 years ago, but God could. i am trying to savor more time and moments with her. i still try to rush things or busy ourselves. but i'm remembering to soak up this time. i came home last monday, after being told we shouldn't/couldn't have more kids and that my friend Sydney had died, exhausted and sad. charis had woken up around midnight so i rocked her...as i did i wept as i thought about not being able to hold and rock other children and wondering when the last time sydney got to do the same with her children. it was incredibly sad. whether charis is our only child or one of many, i am going to enjoy the heck out of this time with her. she is a delight and a true source of joy for us. i'm so thankful for the chance to be her mom.

it's POTTY time!

when using "no hands" on the potty, one should wear a helmet

yes, we are officially potty training. as i've shown/mentioned on my blog before we introduced the potty early to charis. because of that i wasn't sure how to make the official switch to real potty training and not just "elimination communication." after talking to a few moms it turns out you just start using big girl undies. which are so cute. which is sketchy to say.

we were going to start earlier in the summer but per her pediatrician's recommendation we decided to wait. that was when i was having surgery and she might be "traumatized" and "regress." since surgery didn't happen we decided to go through with it. plus someone mentioned summer clothes are easier to train in. makes sense. plus i'm not sure how my energy level will be later in the fall/winter. and since she is familiar with her potty we thought she was ready.

the first few days were an adventure. i don't have the patience to stay home and do a lock-down type of training so i decided to go on with normal life. which means using public potties. my other mom friends recommended using the potty before leaving the house and upon arriving to our destination. we've been using a small bjorn potty and one of those small seats that goes on our big potty. she is super comfortable on the small potty. she wasn't crazy about using the big potty. but every time the toilet flushed she made the best face. like "oh!"

on our trip to the beach we decided to leave the small potty and just take the potty seat. she is doing a better "job" at using big potties in public and her potty seat at home. she is also doing a good "job" at telling us when she needs to go. this is sometimes hard because she likes to say "pee pee" a lot and point to her "pee pee" too. sometimes she says, "ewwww poo poo" which is so cute. and true.

i am really proud at how well she is doing. we haven't had many accidents. we are using diapers during nap and bed time. but a few times she's taken her nap in big girl underwear. and she's even been dry in her diaper overnight. i'm not sure when to make that switch completely and i'm not too worried about it. she also does good at the Y, school and when she is with others. she loves to wipe and flush. she's becoming such a big girl. i can't believe it. it seems like potty-training is one step in the direction of her becoming a big girl. i'm excited and sad all at the same time.


she may kill me for this, but it's cuteness