Amy and I celebrated our anniversary while at Frontier Ranch. It was a humble, yet rewarding night spent over thin crust pizza while watching paddlers on the Arkansas River; I hope to remember it for a long time. But I would like to share some thoughts that came to me after a conversation with Stacey, the other female head leader who worked closely with Amy. I got to spend a lot of time with all the head leaders and they got a unique look at mine and Amy's relationship and how it functions.
We continued to talk, Stacey and I continued to talk. I spoke about something that I've been mulling over the last year. In the song Amy and I danced to there is a lyric that goes, "man is fragile/fragile when alone." This is true for me; Amy is always there to remind me of what is true. I have seemed to gain a sort of confidence in marriage. It's not a confidence in Amy, who she is, or even in how people perceive us. It appears to be an intrinsic confidence in the sheer fact that someone else wants to spend their life with me. Ideally, this confidence would push me to love Amy and others better. Unfortunately, I’m tempted to use this confidence for ill purposes. I tend to be introspective and (re)think my life: Whether it's asking the girl that I wanted to take to the dance, saying what I wanted to say in class, or applying to the college I wanted to go to, I tend to relive my life within my head, using this new found courage in my fantasy world. It’s a painful existence living only to regret the past and fear the future. To love Amy well (or anyone), I need to be present in the moment.
C.S. Lewis said something interesting about humility; he said that it isn’t something that you actively do. He said if you were to meet humble man, you wouldn't think he was humble. But you would just think he is a happy guy who took an interest in what you had to say. (pharaphrase)
I can’t seem to set out to love Amy well; it happens when I least expect it. As soon as I look inward and curse my inabilities, she responds to me as if I loved her well (sometimes even explicitly saying that I love her well). I will joke by saying "maybe I should write it down so I can remember how to do it again." However, like Lewis' idea of humility, I don’t want to think about how to do it, I just want it to happen.