It has been a week. You know, 5 weekdays makes a week. For me, it's just been a tough week. My 5th round of chemo was tough, both emotionally and now physically. (you can read those emotional details on my CB www.caringbridge.org/visit/amypatwa). I think the accumulation of meds it taking it's toll and I'm having trouble sleeping, or rather, staying asleep. Tonight I cozied up in bed at 9pm to read and fell right to sleep only to be back up by midnight-ish. Plus I'm not really feeling good. Forgive me, this isn't supposed to be a bitch fest, although sometimes it may take that shape. I don't even feel bad, just not good. And extremely frustrated that I can't sleep and I have a 10 1/2 month old to take care of all day tomorrow. Which I love and am excited about because she's amazing. But, unless I can't get back to sleep before Adam leaves for work, I'm doomed. Okay, doomed is dramatic. But you get it.
Chemo gives me this really bad taste in my mouth...like metally bad breath. Ugh, it's awful. No amount of fizzy drink or ice cream can make it go away.
What I really want to share is something sweet in the midst of my tough week. I continue to be amazed by people I know, but it's strangers that can really blow you away. I went to Columbia yesterday for one of our staff meetings. I got there early so I stopped by a CVS to get a few things and one woman stopped me to comment on how bold I was to go bald and how beautiful I looked. She told me about the first time she cut her hair short and it was liberating, and although she didn't know my reasoning for going bald, she was just so blown away by my boldness. I could sense she knew but didn't really want to know why. Then, just minutes later a women walked past me and lightly grabbed my arm to tell me that I look beautiful and that I have a glow about me. I was floored by these 2 women's kindness and to not be afraid to say something to this bald girl. So, I may find myself back at the CVS for some more. Then, on my way home I just had to stop off at the DQ. There was a business man behind me that told me the baldness was very becoming on me, then we actually got into conversation. He asked if it was by choice and I explained how it kind of was. His mom is a 2 time breast cancer survivor. He was incredibly kind.
I'm not good at approaching people I know, much less strangers. Even in the chemo infusion room I stay to myself and Adam. Of course I'm encouraged by these people's kindness to me, but it's also got me thinking about my ability to reach out to others...cancer, no cancer, hair, no hair, good day, bad day...it doesn't matter really. It's about getting over myself and seeing others.
and now I leave you with this...our joy, our delight, our scrumptiously sweet little lady.
Friday, September 17, 2010
It's a nickname I've had the majority of my life. Okay not really. It's how I would describe my life right now. What I mean by hotness is mad crazy hot flashes. I'm not sure if it's a side effect of cancer or chemo. I've been thinking about how I could describe them well enough on paper for others to attempt to experience what I do when one comes on. I'm not really sure I know how. It begins with a prickling on my skin all over. Then I feel the heat come from within and it rushes all over my body. Sweat instantly beads on my bald head. I want to drastically strip off my clothing to relieve myself from this heat. It's crazy. After a few minutes it fades, leaving me clammy and even cold. Cold because I usually turn on a fan and having sweat it turns chilly. These even wake me from my slumber about 3 to 4 times a night. At times it's as if I'm laying in a puddle of water. I viciously throw the covers off of me to find relief. But the damage is done because I'm awake and have to struggle to sleep again.
So there you have it. A day in the life of my hot flashes. I know, random.
So there you have it. A day in the life of my hot flashes. I know, random.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
So now at ten months she's up to quite a bit keeping us busy. We are crazy in love with her and enjoying every second with her. The other night we watched an old video of her from maybe 6 or 8 weeks. She's changed so much right before our eyes.
- She is pulling up on anything and everything. Once up she's even able to move from object to object. For a while there she couldn't get down once she pulled up in her crib, luckily that didn't last long.
- She is a babbling baby! Finally saying the "ma ma" sounds. I know it's not mama, but it's nice to hear. Sometimes she even gets a book and babbles at it, as if she's reading. It's pretty funny. The sounds coming from the back seat are music to my ears.
- She's still eating anything and everything, except baby food. She wants the real deal. She's loving bananas, yogurt, peas & mashed potatoes, ravioli, and even a tiny bit of ice cream. I keep waiting for the day when this changes, but I'm enjoying it.
- She's got such a unique attention to detail. I know that doesn't make sense, but she can find the tiniest thing; piece of grass on the floor, a fuzz, or even the way she plays with my fingernails or nose ring as she's drinking her bottle. She's getting good at using her little pincher grasp. She recently discovered my eyebrows and eye lashes (good thing I didn't lose them) and giggles every time she touches them.
- She got to meet and hang out with our friends, Blake & Jaclyn Bergeron and their sweet little girl, Lillian Ruth. They came in for a super quick 24 hour visit just to be with us. They are doctors in Memphis. We met when they were at Davidson when we all did YL together. We loved getting to be with them.
me & jac with our girls
- She's started preschool/daycare. She's doing great and loving it. (I hope)
- We went on our first day hike at Crowder's on Labor Day. First one as a family that is. Charis loves being in the backpack and did awesome. I, on the other hand, thought I was going to die at one point. Seriously, I had this thought of what the heck was I doing out here climbing this steep "mountain" in the middle of chemo! I couldn't turn back because we were so close to the top. We finally made it to the top and it was worth it. Charis fell asleep on the way back down too.
at "King's Pinnacle"
- She's even taking some guided steps. I so haven't been ready for this; the next stage. But, I can't keep her a baby forever, right? So, we take some steps with her little red wagon. I feel like her feet are too tiny to hold her up, but she's doing great and balancing herself.
- She is scrumptious. I don't know her 10 month stats, but she's got some yummy legs and cheeks. And when she scrunches her nose it's simply adorable.
- She met one of her 2nd cousins, Keaton, this weekend. It was fun to watch them "play."
Thursday, September 2, 2010
She is going to "school" for 3 days a week. It's perfect and close to my office. And I think she loves it. I must say that it hasn't even been sad for me. I'm not sure if that is because she's been with so many different people lately or what. She is easy and I think she is going to love the socialization and all that stuff. Some days she'll still get to come back to the office with me to nap. Lucky girl.
I'm thankful for this opportunity and her kind teachers and the timing of this. I can't believe she's big enough for "school."
I snapped a couple pics on her 3rd day. I'll try to get some of her in her room next week. But I couldn't resist the scrunchy nose picture...oh so cute!!