Tuesday, April 24, 2012


i am by no means a techy or anything close. in fact, i would have rather things stayed the way they were...calling friends and actually talking to them, using a map, printing pictures and stuff like that. but since it hasn't stayed the same, i've chosen to go with the times. which is a reason we joined the iphone craze. it makes going to Duke more fun with words and scramble with friends. it's convenient. although i would say i'm less productive on email. i prefer to email from my laptop. anyway.

the best thing about the iphone is the camera and a sweet little app called instagram. i am obsessed with taking pictures on my phone and transforming them on this app. and i'm sure, no i know, that i'm not even using it to it's full capacity. but that's okay. i love that i can snap pictures of Charis or us or clouds and add some cool feature then share it with the internet world. it's so fun. and i can see other people's pics too. i love it.
here is some of my photos...

who knew feet could look this good?!

a little sleepyhead


first dress-up dress

driving around Bald Head

sweetness on Resurrection Sunday

hanging with the Neuendorfs

enjoying some milkshake from Cowfish. YUM!

hunting eggs

silly faces with Julian

So you see, you can do just about anything. i mean, i love being able to take lots of pics and doing something fun and then sharing them. it can definitely get overboard. but, who cares!! it's fun. and makes me happy.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

a week

most weeks are fairly predictable. adam's work schedule is the same. we have community group on mondays. i sometimes work on tuesdays. sometimes i have board meetings or survivor meetings at the pink house on tuesdays. charis goes to school tues, wed, thurs. i have chemo on wednesdays. i work on thursdays. and fridays are usually free days. then the weekends are family time. a few weeks ago we got to go to Kiawah. then there are the weeks we get stuck in durham. or there are now off weeks of chemo. some weeks i know what to expect. some i don't. some are good. some are not.

lately i've been tired. tired of having two big scars in place of breasts. tired of this damn pleurX catheter that my husband has to drain. tired of losing my hair again. (even though i don't mind being bald) tired of chemo. tired of explaining. tired of struggling. tired of being tired. lately i've just been tired. and weary. ugh.

the other day my sweet friend and old YL girl sent me a text telling me she sang "Jesus I am Resting, Resting" at her RUF meeting at UNC and it made her think of me. immediately i was reminded of His rest. and His love for me. it was as if He was beckoning me to rest in Him. and today that's where i've been.

see, this week has been one of those "off" weeks. my dad started his new regiment of chemo..every week for 6 months. yeah, his cancer is active again and in addition causing him lots of pain. it makes me sad how much pain he's in. and this morning my mom called to tell me that her path report came back from a recent liver biopsy...she has cancer...some from of Sarcoma, stage 4 in her liver, kidney and spleen. they are sending her and her path report to Cleveland Clinic for some further investigation and treatment plan. this is her 3rd cancer. yes, both my parents and myself have cancer. WTF, huh? it's strange. and honestly the news is less traumatic when you are in it too. i feel kind of numb, like i don't know what to feel or think. it's freaking crazy. i mean, out of my nuclear family, HALF of us have cancer. can that really happen? well, duh, of course it can. and honestly, the first thought i had was "God is totally up to something in my family. He has big plans for us." i'm not sure what they are but i do trust Him. and today i'm resting in Jesus.

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

Monday, April 9, 2012


we all remember those trust falls, whether is was something we did with friends or part of some team building exercise. but if you've ever done one, you know that feeling of letting go and believing that the person behind you can and will catch you. to trust. we talk a lot about trust in relationships...losing it, earning it back, gaining it, etc. we talk a lot about it in the church too. i love when i read a book and they've really broken down the meaning of a word. i'm not going to do that for you here. i don't know what trust means in Greek. i don't know it's root word or how many times it's mentioned in the Bible. i do know that Jesus had to really trust His Father when He stretched out His arms on the cross and when His Papa turned His back on Him as He hung on that cross bearing the sins of the world. i know that when i stood at the alter at Independence Park almost six years ago making vows to Adam that we both had to have a certain trust that the other would follow through with those vows. Little did I know how soon we'd be living out those "for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health" vows. i do know that trust has always been a big part of my story. trust.

one of the verses that was impactful/meaningful/important to me in jr. high/high school was Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight (or direct your paths)."
After my parents got divorced I was clearly let down and clung to my faith in Jesus and my friends and youth leaders at church. this verse became crucial for me...who and what was i putting my trust in? there was a lot at the time i didn't understand. this verse tells me not to lean on my own understanding...it falters and is weak. putting my trust in the Lord is what's going to sturdy me...make my paths straight. it doesn't say my life will be easy. but, for me, it was a promise that God would not disappoint or abandon me. it was worth putting my trust in Him.

that has come up lots in my life since then. in work and in relationships. and especially now. there are these "key" words that i feel like pop up a lot. remember in Pee-Wee's Playhouse show they had a word of the day and if you said it everyone would scream. it's like that. and TRUST is one of the main ones. (feel free to scream and act like pee-wee every time you read it) lately i've been reading Jesus Calling and i think the whole month of March was written for me. but it's been a lot about trusting Jesus. Here are a few excerpts from the book:
"Trust me one day at a time...Trust is not a natural response, especially for those who have been deeply wounded. My Spirit within you is your resident Tutor, helping you in this supernatural endeavor." March 18
"Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you." March 11
"Waiting, Trusting, and Hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response from My children that I desire the most...Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow." March 12

something i've learned about myself is that i have a very childlike faith. there isn't much i question. i don't question much of what God did or does. i mean, i question people, but not God. i don't necessarily question the "why." i accept Him at His Word. i really do. it's a strange thing sometimes. so when He tells me to "trust in Him" i try. when He says, "do not be afraid" i'm not. when He says "do not worry," I don't. i'm not saying i'm perfect or i don't waver. for the most part i'm just really trusting of God. and it's hard at times. it's hard when after 3 chemos my cancer can still grow. it's hard when Adam meets with person after person after person and still has no job leads. it's hard when people let me down and hurt me. it's hard when one of our cars breakdown, again. it's hard when we have to keep borrowing money. it's hard when i just don't get it or understand. what i do know is that God is constant. He is the same regardless of our circumstances. He is faithful. He is loving. He is gracious. He is good. He is worth trusting. and i've learned to trust Him more during this season. it's tempting to put my trust in my doctors or the medicine or a diet, but only the God who breathed life into existence and raised the dead is worth my trust. and it is a daily choice. i have to decide each day to trust Him. Trust that He is with us. Trust that He cares, that He loves. Trust His story for us. Trust His timing. Trust His "pleasing and perfect will."

i am thankful for all that God is teaching us and all that we are learning. my faith is deeper and bolder because of what we are walking through. i really believe and know God's perfect love for us. i am reminded of it daily. especially through this little lady