every kiss begins with Kay

This post has nothing to do with Kay. It's just that the horribly cheesy commercials play all the time, so it's in my head. This post is about the fact that our baby girl is ONE MONTH OLD!! holy moly. That's just crazy. I'm constantly in a stay of disbelief that my life is where it is. This isn't what I planned. So much of my life is not what I plan. God is continuing to show me that He has a plan and to trust in His perfect and pleasing will. Oh how thankful I am that He has given me this amazing little girl at a time like this.
I guess the best way to really capture this past month is through some highlights, revelations, and experiences we've had. So, here goes...

Charis at 1 month!

• i love the sounds Charis makes...she hums, moans, grunts at all times. nothing is sweeter to me than those noises.
• i love to watch Adam with her...dancing, singing, rocking, even sometimes when he says something and i ask "what" he says, "i was talking to my daughter."
• i love the way her head rests on my shoulder in the nook of my neck. love that.
• i learned the hard way that babies "wake up" after 2 weeks, so the 6 hours of sleep was just a fluke. ohhhhh okay.
  
• after being told how fast this time goes, i am making a conscious effort to enjoy all the moments...the sweet ones and especially the hard ones
• we've loved having so many visitors. i love seeing others loving on our baby girl. some of my girls from Country Day have come to visit and that's been so fun watching them.
• we celebrated our first Thanksgiving with some friends. i'm not sure she was fazed. But we did make our first turkey (local, organic, & free range i might add).
• i love to kiss all over her...her cheeks, her neck, her hands, feet, but especially the space on her neck. oh i could squeeze her.
• i love the way her hands stretch out just like Adam's.
  
• i am amazed at how i can wake up from the most wonderfully deep sleep when i hear her making her noises at any hour.
• she has the sweetest cry.
• we've watched Adam's Saints win some great games! (like beating New England)
• we are learning a new normal for us that includes this new person...i mean--for the rest of my life. getting out of the house takes more work, planning and the perfect timing. eating is a feat too...usually we take turns.
  
• i've learned that getting up in the middle of the night isn't that hard for me, it's the evening hours after 9pm that i start to fall apart.
• my love for her grows with each new day. i mean for real. when she smiles (even if it's not the real ones yet) my heart sores. and when her bottom lip pokes out in a frown, i am so sad and find that i would do anything to take away her sadness.

my mom bought this outfit in Germany...a scarf?!
This has been an incredible month. Didn't think I'd be here this time last year. But could not imagine it any other way. I am more in love with my husband too. I am so thankful for the way he helps me, especially in those moments I need him most and don't know how to ask. I love the way he loves Charis and how he says it so much. This is definitely an adventure for us. Everyone tells you it's the best & hardest thing you'll ever do. Well, you can't understand that until you are in it. We are in it and I'm beginning to understand it. I still can't believe I am a mom. wow.

what's in a name

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned (called) you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1
I love this verse. the part about being redeemed and the part about being called by name and the part about being His.
I continue to be flabbergasted by the fact that we have the privilege and power to name someone. That's just crazy to me. Adam and I decided on a girl's name way before we even knew we were having a girl. We also decided to keep the name secret, which turned out to be fun b/c that's all people really wanted to know. There is something about our names. They become our identity. Well, here is how we chose Charis Root.

Charis is grace in Greek. We both love the concept of grace and the fact that we have been redeemed by God's grace. Other definitions of the word charis is "that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness." And I hope all those words will be words that our little girl will be identified by throughout her life.
Root. Well, I could just say that Adam and I are hippies at heart. Maybe a little true. But, it started because we liked the idea of using a concept from scripture for a middle name. Root comes from a passage in Ephesians 3 (v.17) that says "being rooted and established in love." Another part of the meaning of Root comes from Adam's love of trees and the image of trees throughout scripture. The root system of a tree is it's foundation; it's what nourishes the tree and keeps it grounded. Root is a reminder to us that we are rooted in Christ's love.
We do hope she likes her name, but we also realize that her name is a reminder to us. Each time we look at her and hold her we are reminded of God's redeeming love in our own lives.

the first week

As I sit to write this Charis is nestled close to Adam as they nap on the couch. It is so fun and so sweet to see my snoring (I like to call it heavy breathing) baby napping on her daddy.

in the Moby with daddy
This first week (and a few days) as a new mom has been amazing. The story of my pregnancy and journey has been remarkable. The main message I feel like new moms get is "just wait." In fact, we got it today from a waitress at the Charlotte Cafe. Just wait for what? I assume it's just wait til you are sleep deprived...frustrated...worn out...spent...exhausted, or just wait til they aren't this cute...and talk back. I'm really not sure what I should be "just waiting for." So instead I am soaking up and enjoying these moments. My whole pregnancy I heard about how fast this time goes. I feel like I heard someone say "the days are long but the years are short." This scares me. It makes me sad to my core. I am making a conscious effort to enjoy every single moment with Charis. When I'm nursing, when she's fussing, when she's sleeping, when I change her for the 10th time, when she's screaming, when she's starring up at us...I'm trying to soak up every moment with her now.

just the sweetest sight
I'm sure everyone thinks this, but we do have a great baby. She has weathered lots of visitors, which we love. She is eating great...starting to see that super cute baby double chin. She sleeps like a super star. Really. She's lasting sometimes 6 hours at night. I am so thankful for that sleep. I have yet to learn how to nap during the day while she is napping. But, I think I will start soon. Just a few "firsts" for her...she's slept in her crib for the first time, she's enjoyed her bouncy seat for the first time, she found her thumb for the first (& only) time, and she hung out in her Moby wrap. It's funny how the smallest things become so amazing!

45 seconds of pure bliss!
I'm not lying when I say I'm not exhausted. I may still be on some adrenaline high from last friday. I am thankful for the big and small moments. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed at how much I love this little lady Charis Root. My love for my husband has grown deeper over these past 10 days. And my love for and awe of our Abba Father has increased. I am humbled. I am so thankful. I am hopeful. I am in awe. I am overjoyed. I am constantly reminded of God's ridiculous love for me.

What a Story!

I have been wanting to do this post, but am at a loss for words. How does one put into words the feelings that come with the birth of their child? I will try to share a glimpse of the incredible happenings...starting with the beginning.
the birth story
As I had posted before, it was my hope and desire to give birth naturally. On Friday, 06 Nov. there was just something in my heart that knew it was THE day. The day we would finally meet our little girl. We decided to go on a long walk that day (it had become our daily activity) at Freedom Park. Then, I took a nap b/c you need lots of rest "just in case." After I woke up my water broke. I wasn't experiencing contractions at the time and from what we had read and researched we had plenty of time. I talked to our Doula, Brooke, who said the same. So, we went to Mac's for dinner. At some point during dinner I started to experience some contractions, so we went back home. At around 7:30 I talked to Brooke again b/c my contractions were so close together and pretty intense. (we were still thinking we had a long time ahead of us) I did my best to rest between, and Adam was the best coach ever...constantly encouraging me, rubbing my back, doing whatever needed to be done. At this point I wasn't sure I was going to make it. Just before 10pm we called Brooke back b/c nothing changed...they continued to be intense and close together. Since we were delivering in Concord, Brooke said she'd feel better if we were closer, so we decided to head to my sister's since she lives up there. Adam packed up the car and we were on our way. The moment we pulled out of the driveway I felt the urge to push. And we still had the trek up 85...with hazards on and going about 80 we were on our way to my sister's. With each contraction, though, I wanted to push. We had Brooke on the phone with us, and decided that we needed to go straight to the hospital. We pulled up and I told the lady at the desk that I needed to push (not register). The nurses took me back to check me and I was "complete" (i.e. 10 cm and ready to push). I knew this!! So, they took me to a room and I was ready...except we had to then wait for the doctor before I could push. Brooke got there just when we did. My sister and mom were there to take care of the registering so Adam could be with me. Once the doctor was there I was ready to go! I pushed through a few contractions and then decided I wanted to use a squatting bar. This was the best! After 2 contractions with the bar, Charis was born.


minutes after birth...LOVE her!!
I was so proud of myself. I really did it. I really just gave birth to this amazingly beautiful girl without drugs! I did it with the amazing support of my husband (he was the best and most perfect coach). We did it with the amazing support of Brooke. And I would say that the pre-natal yoga and research was helpful. But, ultimately, I had let go of what I wanted and the desire to prove myself, and trust that God was in control.

a picture of the new family!
Adam and I both realized that this feeling you get when you have a baby doesn't necessarily come instantly. There is no "way" it's supposed to feel. But that it's very individual and very amazing. When she was born, I was just overwhelmed. I knew I loved this little girl instantly and I just couldn't believe how much God loved me to give me this little lady to love. I'm still pretty overwhelmed. I just want to look at her and kiss all over her. I am definitely doing my best to enjoy these moments...I am. I am loving every moment of this.

I just love this picture...she was bobbing her head

a quick break

Tomorrow I officially start my maternity leave from work. I am looking forward to having some time off and a break. Even though that break will include taking care of a new baby and beginning a new journey into parenthood.
I am very fortunate because I love my job. I love that I get to care for other YL staff and hang out with some fun high school kids. It has been easy for me to hand things off in both the office and on my YL team b/c I have some great folks helping me out. But, it also feels a little weird to not be working. I think I'll be okay though. :)
I remember when I told kids that I was pregnant. They have been incredibly excited from the beginning. They have loved me and my belly baby for these past 6 or so months. I have gotten to share with some of them what God has been teaching me in this process and that's been the best part. I love these kids. I want more than anything for them to not only encounter Jesus, but to want to follow Him. My hope for them is to know just how much God loves them and desires to be in relationship with them. I am so thankful God chooses me to be used by Him to reveal Himself to them.

me and my super fun friend, Elizabeth
I have been getting texts and facebook messages lately from girls asking about the baby. I can't believe how excited they are and I can't wait to share this new journey with them. It's going to be so fun watching these girls love on my little girl. In the process, I also get to learn a little bit about teenage girls.

a group of CCDS friends at our shower!

Just add baby

I think originally we were thinking we wouldn't put a lot into a baby room. For me it's because I don't have much creative vision and it feels a little much to put so much into a room for a baby. But, as we began putting this room together, I realized it wasn't about how much I spent or my "theme" or color scheme, but more about creating a space for us to be with our baby. A space to rock her, to read to her, to play with her, to be together. We both find ourselves wandering into her room just to be there, and sometimes we'll sit in there together and just talk. I've come to love this little space that I think is perfect for our baby girl and us. We have been so fortunate to get some donations (crib & bedding) and to find some fun additions. it's still random but i love it. so, here are few pics of our little place for baby girl patwa who will soon be here. whoa!

this super fun mobile i got from Etsy

a fun vintage light from my bf and our prints from Asheville

our dresser/changing table w/ fun Anthropologie knobs
and fun pink artwork from my friend, taryn

a view of the crib...love the stuffed lamb from nesting!

Reflections on Motherhood

My early fears in finding out we were pregnant were mostly centered on not feeling ready to be a mom. It seemed to me that women who plan to start a family are a bit more “ready.” Oftentimes I was struck with such an intense fear or anxiety about entering motherhood. I’ve been watching my sister and close friends become moms for 12 years now. There is a sort of sisterhood in motherhood. Unfortunately, it’s not a sisterhood I always long to be a part of. Becoming pregnant means a sort of passage into this new “sisterhood.” And, like most places where there is a majority of females, it doesn’t always feel like the most welcoming of places. I have learned a lot in these past 8 or so months. About myself, about God, about other women, about this sisterhood of motherhood.
One thing that has struck me is the lack of ability to celebrate with one another in the choices we make as moms. I’ve noticed pride and defensiveness, judgment and criticism, and comparison. None of which have been drawing me into this next journey. Not only have I seen and experienced this in other women, I’ve noticed it in myself. There have been countless times that I’ve talked to Adam about this and been so overwhelmed by it. Why do we care so much how others choose to raise their children or run their lives? Why can’t we, as women, come around one another and support the choices we make? And celebrate in our differences!
Another part of this fear for me has been the knowledge that I will screw up as a mom. What if I can’t do it? I have been so encouraged by others, including high school kids, about being a mom. BUT. When I look at all the moms that have gone before me, they look like they have it all together. It’s as if we are afraid to admit we don’t have it all together or know exactly what to do. It isn’t until I really talk to moms that I see some vulnerability and humility. Otherwise I feel like we live in a world that is telling us to act like we can handle it all. Can we? Then where does God fit into this if we can handle it all on our own?
In sharing my own hopes, desires, plans, whatever with others I’ve been confronted with this harsh truth—it feels like no one wants you to succeed. One of my hopes is to have a natural birth. This isn’t a new concept at all. I don’t even think it’s crazy. But, usually when I share this with other women I am confronted with words and attitudes that don’t feel encouraging. I’m not going around with an “I’m better than you” attitude about this. I’ve done reading and taken a natural childbirth class, I have a husband who is supportive, and we’ve invested in a doula to help. And, I’m completely realistic. I know that all that matters is a safe arrival into this world for our baby girl. And in reality, a natural childbirth provides that the most. “God created my body to do this” is my mantra that I plan on reminding myself in labor. Giving birth is a HUGE deal whether we have a c-section, painkillers, or natural. None makes a woman “better.” Yet, I feel like I constantly have to defend this desire of mine.
In college I took a Parenting class for my major. And something my professor said has always stayed with me…”parents are doing the best they know how with what they have.” I believe this is mostly true, and it’s allowed me to have a little more compassion for moms out there. Granted, we may think otherwise at times.
I have amazing girl friends and am incredibly fortunate and thankful for the variety of women in my life. This journey is teaching me to celebrate with each of them in the uniqueness of who they are as women, as moms, as friends. I have been so frustrated with a sense of competition or pride that infects this sisterhood. More than anything when I’ve shared something about my plans; I’ve just wanted others to encourage me in that. But, unfortunately I’m met with a “you have no idea til you get there” or “are you sure you want to do that” kind of attitude. Why does it even matter? I’m not saying it’s all other people because God’s been holding up a mirror to me as well. He’s revealed all the yucky parts of my heart that have been critical or judgmental towards others. He’s teaching me how to be more compassionate and gracious towards others. He’s showing me my need for this sisterhood because what I want to do most is run away from it and do this by myself. I realize as women we need each other, whether we have children or not. You may think someone’s choice or decision is crazy, but if it’s not endangering anyone, encourage them and celebrate the fact that God has created all of us to be different types of women, of friends, of moms.
At about 33 weeks I had my biggest “meltdown” which I like to describe as a thunderstorm. ☺ I felt all these fears and emotions coming to a head. God has been nudging me to talk about them, and I had some. But on this particular day, they flooded out of me. The excitement of having a baby and the fear of entering the unknown. The uncertainty of the future. The frustrations and hurt I felt from others. The heartache for my friends. All of it just BOOM exploded. And my husband was there in it with me and it was wonderful. Shortly after this, maybe a week or so, I sensed an incredible peace. It felt almost tangible. God was reminding me that He’s got me in His hands. He’s equipping me. He’s preparing me. He’s chosen this journey for me. He’s given me a partner who loves and supports me and is in this with me. He wants me to trust Him. I will mess up. I will encounter discouragement from others. I will need Him more than ever. I will also learn to celebrate with others. I will learn to encourage them in their own choices or desires, even if they seem crazy to me. I am a part of this sisterhood now. I will embrace it.