Even though the reason for my baldness is out of my control, kinda of scary, and pretty serious, I have come to love being bald. There is a freedom almost in it. I am liberated. We are bombarded with mirrors. This morning at the Y, I was almost surrounded. Most bathrooms at hotels and the Y are equipped with hair dryers and vanities so that we women can spend countless hours brushing, drying, straightening, scrunching, styling, and really doing anything else to our hair. I don't miss it one bit. I never really spent the before mentioned "countless hours" anyway. Therefore losing my hair wasn't traumatic for me. Check off shaving my head on my list!
There are bonuses to this new non-do. I can have all my windows in my car rolled down without my hair getting in my face or mouth. Ugh I hated that. I don't shed anymore. We used to find my hair everywhere. I don't have to wear a swim cap. Charis doesn't have anything to pull. I will save lots of money on hair cuts. And, surprisingly, it's given me a certain confidence. I feel bold. I mean- a bald head is kind of bold. I have nothing to hide behind. I get to wear really fun earrings. If I'm honest, I feel a bit beautiful in a unique way. And my husband has been uber sweet in telling me this daily.
Don't get me wrong, there are moments of great insecurities. Being bald makes me feel a bit naked and exposed. I do pride myself on not covering it up only because when I start to cover it I feel even more insecure. I know that may not make sense, but when I put on a hat or scarf I really look like a cancer survivor. Not that I'm ashamed of being a cancer survivor by any means. I feel I look more sickly. Having a head covering tells the world that yes, I have cancer. Otherwise maybe I look edgy and cool. Gosh, do I think too much about this?!
As I mentioned on my Caringbridge, I appreciate the impact I might be having on little girls, mostly at my church. Some of their moms aren't afraid to really engage their daughters on why I'm bald either, and I think that's pretty cool. I've loved the lack of filter kids have. I'm sure it mortifies their moms, but I love it. It's so freeing in a weird way. They aren't jaded by the social rules we apply. Not saying we should go around blurting out whatever we want to strangers. I just appreciate the freedom they have in asking if I'm a boy or why my hair is gone, that's all.
Cancer is opening doors in a weird way. Doors for me to trust. Doors for me to be cared for by others. Doors in our marriage to grow. Doors to ask for help. Doors to believe. Doors to hope. Doors to cling to God when I'm scared. Doors to feel beautiful for reasons I never have before. Doors to be confident. Doors to be able to shave my head and love what I see.