Saturday, April 16, 2011

it's a hard knock life

i'm feeling a little inspired by Annie with this one...

i've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. there are a variety of reasons but it's mostly body image issues. it all came to a head a few weeks ago when i realized that i had decided (prior to surgery) what adam would think of my new body. i had absolutely no way to prepare for the effects a double mastectomy would have on me. the very few women i knew were older and they are bravely living without reconstruction. it had been almost 5 months post surgery when i realized that i wasn't dealing with it. and it feels pretty lonely. i know that women with all sorts of breast sizes have stories, but there is definitely something unique for me. i'd take tiny breasts any day over what i'm living with right now. it's taking such a toll on my self image. i'm honestly learning to embrace where we are and work through it with Adam. i've recently shown some friends my scars. and i have to say it's been good. i need to let others see what it is like for us. there is something humbling and cleansing about letting those close to me in to such a scary and intimate part of our journey. i have less than 3 months until my reconstruction surgery, so i feel it's important for us to continue to work through this before we venture into something new.

there are other things going on, of course. i'm losing my job. meaning, i'm being laid off. this is extremely hard, yet i feel at peace. it's equivalent to the same peace i had in the waiting room last may as i awaited my ultrasound. it's hard and i know God is in this. i will work through the end of may and was graciously given a severance with salary & benefits through the end of july. God says not to worry about tomorrow, so i'm not. i'm going to finish my job strong and set the next person up as best as i can. i'm going to enjoy a month off then have surgery. mostly i'm going to continue to trust God to take care of us. seeing that i'm a "cancer survivor" i'm realizing it's pretty important for me to have benefits. this is one of the scary parts. this and the fact that my income has accounted for half our income. i don't think we'll go hungry or be homeless. what i am totally confident of is that the Lord will provide. He is up to something major and very cool in our lives. we have a story to tell for sure. i know God is going to provide. i'm confident of this. in the mean time it may feel are we going to pay bills, how are we going to make ends meet, how will we pay for my medical benefits? i mean, the questions are endless. but i have to be honest, i'm okay. i know (KNOW) the Lord will provide...a job, benefits, food, money, peace.

i have to admit that it feels like there is so much going on with us at one time. life feels so dramatic. yet i am confident in what the Lord is doing is good. yes, it's hard and it doesn't always make sense. even if i feel like i'm losing a lot, i realize that i still have so so much. a husband who loves me, a most delightful little girl, a community that isn't afraid to enter into this with us, a family that loves us, and a God who comforts, loves and provides.

maybe it's not really a hard knock life. but i do love Annie.

1 comment:

Blair said...

love you amy. we're praying for all your transitions. hugs to adam and kisses for your sweet baby girl.