struggling with plans

i am fascinated with this thing called the internet and all this blogging. even with a blog i'm not sure what its purpose is. i mean after i saw Justin Bieber's movie Never Say Never i wanted to blog to the world just how endearing this kid is and how strange fame is. never really got around to that. sorry justin, i just said never. or i think about getting on some soapbox about pulling over for emergency vehicles or using your blinker. or i want to brag about my kid. or i could blog about the royal wedding but i think that is covered. or about whether or not our president was born in the US. i mean there is just so much going on. but a lot of times i want to tell the world (well my readers at least) what i'm thinking. which, quite frankly, is a lot.

my mind feels like a geyser at times spewing thoughts constantly. a lot has to do with what's going on in our lives. our lives have been one disruption after another. if i'm going to compare what's going on in our lives with others i can see that what we are going through pales in comparison or just the opposite. but comparing doesn't really help. i've been thinking lately about "life not being what i had planned." then i started thinking about when something happened that i actually planned. on a big scale. i didn't plan on my parents getting divorced. when i decided to go on staff i didn't plan to go to Louisiana. i didn't plan to get pregnant. i didn't plan to get cancer. i didn't plan to get laid off. you can see where i'm going with this. i have been able to see God's hand in all these "plans." He has used them for His plans and according to his "perfect and pleasing will." i've experienced great joys and deep pains because of these experiences. i'm not sure if i'd take any of them back either. yet i have to admit that it's been hard. and right now i'm weary and tired. this past year has been especially hard and i feel like the Lord has truly sustained me. however, more recently i'm realizing that i'm just so tired. i give up a lot. on a daily basis in fact. i need a break from life right now and the only thing on the horizon is a family trip to the mountains over Memorial Day, which i'm really looking forward to.

i feel like i've been strong. i hope. i trust. and i'm clinging to Jesus with a death grip. and to be completely honest, it's tiring. i'm struggling as a wife and as a mom. i can't really see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but i'm hoping. what else can i do but hope and trust that in six months we'll be in a different place. i want to be in a different place. and i'm sure i will be. i'm not in the same place i was 6 months ago or a year ago. and i'm kind of afraid to even admit this, but i need a break.

i'm not trying to be a debbie downer...this is where i'm at right now. i know i won't be here for long. especially when i get to experience this sweetness every day

and this