it's clear that we've been through a lot and have a lot going on. at times it can be completely overwhelming. but most times i feel God in this with us and if i'm honest i'm wanting Him more than the stuff that would seem to make our lives a little easier right now. it's the idea of...do we long for His presence more than His blessing? look, sometimes i'd like His blessing or an easy fix, but in reality that doesn't sustain me like He does. and He still gives us His blessings through His provisions and our incredible community.
so, recently i had an overwhelming 48 hours and it had nothing to do with a scan or directly related to cancer. crazy, i know. on saturday i opened up a letter from my COBRA saying that my benefits have been terminated effective 09/30/2011. needless to say i freaked. i knew it was a stretch, but i still called them. of course they are closed on the weekend. i was seriously in a panic. my first thought was how could this happen b/c i had done everything right...filled out the right paperwork and all that stuff. apparently my premium hadn't been paid. (side note...i qualified for financial assistance through Carolina Healthcare Systems and they were responsible to pay my premium for 3 months) so, here i was..COULD.NOT.DO.ANYTHING. that's a hard place for me to be. i had to let it go and i prayed a lot. A.LOT. i knew that God was in this, that He cares about the details of my insurance. BUT i was struggling to see the purpose in this. i wanted to send out a mass email asking friends to pray but felt the Lord calling me to come to Him. so i did. that night of sleep was fitful. every time i awoke it was on my mind so i cried out to God lots. on sunday morning i shared with my prayer group what was going on and cried. i confessed how anxious i was and freaked out. i can honestly say that i've never felt this way about a scan or test, which seems crazy. so why was this making me come undone. my friends prayed for me and i must say that i had a lot of peace on Sunday. but by monday morning the anxiety was back...it was the day i could make the phone calls.
i called the insurance people first. here is the thing...they don't send you a notice letting you know you missed a payment. that would make too much sense. they send you a termination notice. so, you've missed the grace period and are SOL basically. the woman said that it was my responsibility to make sure it got paid and if we could prove it was a mail issue then maybe they could reinstate my benefits. otherwise i could write a letter of appeal which "doesn't normally work." after i hung up with her i felt helpless. so i called the carolinas healthcare (CHS) people and left a message letting him know i was freaking out. then i went to yoga. that was a good decision. i had to still trust God in this. after yoga i called my friend, adam, at CHS and he let me know he'd been researching my case to figure out what went wrong and spoke with the insurance people asking them to reinstate my benefits. he was super apologetic and very kind, taking full responsibility on their end. i was a mess and sobbing on the phone with him. while we were talking he got a call from the insurance and he came back with "i've got good news..." a peace washed over me and i held my breath as i waited to hear what he had to say..."they are going to reinstate your benefits." he wanted to let me go so he could discuss all the details with them.
i have to say just like that i felt lighter and more at peace. which i had to investigate some. God had purposely allowed me to spend these 48 hours in fear and anxiety defending all the things i had done right. but it didn't matter that i'm administratively gifted and was able to find this assistance and fill out the appropriate paperwork. it wasn't about what i was capable or able to do. if i'm not trusting God with all (ALL) the details then I'm missing what He has for me. it's crazy how i could go from such despair (i know that sounds dramatic, but homegirl needs her benefits right now) to peace. i have been fooled to think that i'm so "easy going" about this process. of course i trust God. yeah i don't worry much. but send me a letter like that and it all falls to pieces. especially if it's steeped in what i've done. i'm good at doing stuff and i do it well. it doesn't matter what i do if i don't trust God. and i mean really trust Him. with all the details, including insurance. He cares about it all. that's just how much He loves us.
That afternoon I got a note from an old friend with a passage from Psalm 107:6 that i really thought was fitting: "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." and that is exactly what He's done.