A Non-Anniversary Anniversary Post

Amy is indeed right--we are unsatisfactory bloggers. But I guess it's because we don't have kids yet. I am only adding insult to injury with this post because I want to share something that occurred during the assignment this summer. It has to deal with Amy and marriage and how the last two years have been. I know...boring, but I hope to reveal a revelation I felt a long time coming.
Amy and I celebrated our anniversary while at Frontier Ranch. It was a humble, yet rewarding night spent over thin crust pizza while watching paddlers on the Arkansas River; I hope to remember it for a long time. But I would like to share some thoughts that came to me after a conversation with Stacey, the other female head leader who worked closely with Amy. I got to spend a lot of time with all the head leaders and they got a unique look at mine and Amy's relationship and how it functions.

Stacey and I were walking to the corral during the first week. I’m not sure how we got onto a conversation about marriage, but we did. She proceeded to compliment me, or more accurately commend me, for what she called an ability to allow Amy to be herself. She said something to the effect of me loving Amy enough to allow her to be herself. I paused and looked out towards the valley that stretched into the horizon. She saw something unsettling in my countenance. “I’m not saying that you’re completely noble” she clarified. I chuckled, trying to subtly agree. Letting Amy just be is the one thing that I don’t do. Every time she becomes a bit too loud, or yawns without covering her mouth or some other snobby social staple, I’m the one who's there to correct her. It was like this compliment was a rose with only the thorned stem to grasp; I couldn’t accept it without feeling its prick. This prick is the realization that I don't have the capacity to love well, even my own wife.

We continued to talk, Stacey and I continued to talk. I spoke about something that I've been mulling over the last year. In the song Amy and I danced to there is a lyric that goes, "man is fragile/fragile when alone." This is true for me; Amy is always there to remind me of what is true. I have seemed to gain a sort of confidence in marriage. It's not a confidence in Amy, who she is, or even in how people perceive us. It appears to be an intrinsic confidence in the sheer fact that someone else wants to spend their life with me. Ideally, this confidence would push me to love Amy and others better. Unfortunately, I’m tempted to use this confidence for ill purposes. I tend to be introspective and (re)think my life: Whether it's asking the girl that I wanted to take to the dance, saying what I wanted to say in class, or applying to the college I wanted to go to, I tend to relive my life within my head, using this new found courage in my fantasy world. It’s a painful existence living only to regret the past and fear the future. To love Amy well (or anyone), I need to be present in the moment.

C.S. Lewis said something interesting about humility; he said that it isn’t something that you actively do. He said if you were to meet humble man, you wouldn't think he was humble. But you would just think he is a happy guy who took an interest in what you had to say. (pharaphrase)

I can’t seem to set out to love Amy well; it happens when I least expect it. As soon as I look inward and curse my inabilities, she responds to me as if I loved her well (sometimes even explicitly saying that I love her well). I will joke by saying "maybe I should write it down so I can remember how to do it again." However, like Lewis' idea of humility, I don’t want to think about how to do it, I just want it to happen.

Bad Bloggers

This describes us for sure. We had really good intentions. I'm sorry.

Today is literally our last day here at Frontier Ranch. We are packing up all our stuff and loading up. We will all have dinner together and party tonight, then leave extra early in the morning!

Adam and I are caravanning with his parents from here to Colorado Springs then to Amarillo, TX. So, we'll get to spend some extra time with them, which will be great. It's been SO great having them here!! We'll leave Amarillo and head back east to home. We can't wait to be home.

This month has been amazing! The community that we've been a part of has really been incredible. We've been challenged, loved, encouraged, supported, and so many other things that have made us stronger as individuals and as a couple. We've gotten a chance to be around some amazing families and adorable children. It's been fun to love on others' kids! No rush for us!! We've met some cool folks and been a part of something way bigger than ourselves. God has shown up in so many ways and He loves us enough to share it with us!

I'm am truly sad to leave, but excited to go back home to my "real world." School and Young Life will start up soon and life might get crazy. My hope is that we won't get stuck in the mundane or the busy because that is NOT the life God desires for us to live. My hope is that we will continue to grow and live and see and experience all that God has to offer. Babies, sunsets, relationships, travel, sleep, marriage, quiet, joy, grace, and love.

Thanks for praying for our month...you are so dear to us.
amyp

Reflections From Week One

Week One is over. It's Sunday, and I'm sitting in our cabin on the edge of Frontier Ranch. I hear the work crew members peopling the weed-eater and lawnmowers outside. Amy is on the other side of camp scheduling rides and finishing the housing requirements. By this evening about 400 high school campers and their leaders will ascend to Frontier Ranch for what is said will be "the best week of their lives." 

This is my first assignment. I visited Amy for a long weekend when she had an assignment at Windy Gap in 2004. We were still dating then, and I was just a visitor. This time I'm what is commonly referred to as a staff spouse. While this term is ostensibly gender neutral, I believe it is informally thought of as a female role. The first Monday of the assignment I attended the spouse's meeting; I was the only husband. Surprisingly, I left that meeting feeling more connected than before. Part of it was humbling: Seeing what Angel, a mother of three kids under the age of five, has to go through when moving to camp for a month helped me swallow my pride and move forward in my role. It gave me perspective and helped me realize that what I consider problems are really just lies that I need the Gospel to dispel. Since we don't have kids, I have more freedom in camp and also more time to get involved, which helps me feel like I'm a part of this mission.

Thankfully, Amy enrolled me in Real Life and the Broken Heart Skit when she came to Assigned Team training in the Spring. As this month approached, I became more unwilling to take my roles seriously, believing that Amy and the rest of her team conspired to take advantage of our non-parent status and hijack my free-time just so they could have a warm body in their little charade. However, watching the first set of campers leave last night, I was brought to tears. Getting handshakes and hugs from high school guys I didn't even know was a moving experience. 

Real Life is a unique way that we as adults share our story with campers. It takes place in three installments. We pretend to be the way we were in high school by pre-recording thought tapes of how we would process a week at camp. The first is our thoughts before leaving, followed by our response to the sin talk, and finally how we would spend our fifteen minutes talking to God. After this we then share a two-three minute version of our story. I, of course, was type-cast the party-guy, stoner, druggie, which was true of me in high school; however, thankfully I was able to give them the full story through my testimony. 

I have to admit that I didn't expect much out of this.  I knew that they wanted me up there because I have a colorful past and they need to have some variety. I didn't expect what I got out of it. First of all, I have told this my story to peers and members of authority before. However, every-time I have told it before I have been the one to do the work of distancing me from my past. This time was radically different. As I told my story to about 450 campers and leaders, I didn't feel chained to it at all. I think it was the first time in my life when I felt the victory of Jesus in this realm--He was doing the work, has done the work, of distancing me from the past. That alone is worth me inconveniencing my self by taking part of this, but it went further. I got to see kids, tough high school kids, in tears as they took a risk to come talk to me after the final Real Life. I don't deserve to experience this from another person. I don't have what it takes to care for another broken human being, but God chose me to be up there connecting with kids by sharing my past. I was trying to communicate these feelings to Amy, and I said something about not understanding why me sharing the darkest part of my past pushed kids from all walks of life to want to thank me, hug me, and just talk to me. It was the most unreal, counter-intuitive experience.

Today is Sunday, and everyone with a job is getting camp ready to do it again. I don't know if I can do it again. I don't want to cheapen the experience of the first week...I don't want the names of the kids that shared tears with me to be forgotten...I don't want this to be a formula. 

Don't take a knife to a gun fight!!

It's been difficult finding time to sit at my computer and update the blog...but now I have sometime, so here goes.

Our trip from NC to CO was a blast...we got to spend some much needed time together and do some pretty amazing things. I want to tell you about the most memorable. Long's Peak. After our exploring of Denver and Boulder we decided to do some hiking and backcountry camping in Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP) in northern Colorado. At some point we opted for a hike up Long's Peak with some camping at a place called Boulderfield. Let's just say we had no idea what we were doing!
The first warning sign came when I read this...the number one suggestion for hiking "high peaks" is "Be in excellent physical condition." I didn't bother to read the others b/c I didn't want to be discouraged. We are NOT in excellent physical condition...I'm not even sure what that looks like. But, we go on...at the Ranger Station the most precious old man gives us our Backcountry Permit and tells us about the hike. He has such confidence in us and our ability to do this thing. We have all the gear so we are looking the part for sure!!
Let me back up...in June when I called they said it could take anywhere from 3 to 6 hours to hike this thing. We start at around 9,000 feet and are carrying ridiculously heavy packs. We are off and excited about this adventure. As we climb in elevation it becomes more and more difficult. We see others along the way-passing us with small packs. We pass a variety of people. "We can totally do this...that 65 year old woman we just passed did it, we can too." So, 6 and a half hours and 6 miles later we reach Boulderfield...our campsite. It is exactly what it is...a field of ginormous boulders with 6 or so camp sites. Let me also say that along the way we met some very kind folks and saw a herd of Elk playing in snow, along with Marmots...or varmots as older folks say.
We set up camp, purify some waters, and eat some dinner. We are now at around 12,000 feet. We kinda sleep, then wake up to begin the rest of our adventure to the summit. This too attracts all kinds of people---ranging from 8 to 70 and older!! People are actually descending as we begin at 9am!! The "path" is marked by a red & yellow bulls-eye. There is the "trough" and the "narrows" which are frightening! There were countless times I was paralyzed by fear. But, the beauty we encountered pushed us forward. We had to do this!! We got this far, plus if you could see the people who were doing it too. So, along the way we begin to hear from other folks..."this is one of the hardest 14ners in Colorado...there are 52" or "I've done 10 14ners and this is the hardest one." At this point I am wondering what the heck we are doing. Who's idea was this anyway?!
After a few hours we make it to the summit...a mile from our campsite, but 14,250 feet in elevation. It's the highest peak in RMNP. It was beautiful and a major accomplishment, but the summit didn't necessarily have the best view. The sights we saw along the way were evidence to me that God loves me...that He created these mountains to reveal himself to us. And He gave them to us to enjoy and maybe even "conquer." But the process of the whole thing is what still sticks with me. It's not about how long or short it takes to get there, but what you see and experience along the way. Adam was amazing during the whole thing...I really needed him. And that was good for me. In those moments of fear, he comforted and supported me.
So, as we hiked back down and back to the trail head we were amazed at this whole thing. And that's when Adam said "it's like taking a knife to a gun fight." That's kind of what we did when we SUMMITED Long's Peak.

Jackie Chan

Hello Friends!!
greetings from Boulder, Colorado. I just wanted to write a super quick note to say hey and let y'all know we've made it safe to CO. it was a long trip, but great! Lots to share...and we will. Internet access is sparse and so the updates aren't coming as often as I'd hoped.

We are in now Boulder staying at The Boulder Mountain Lodge (great spot) and heading to Rocky Mountain National Park in the morning for our 3 day/2 night backcountry stay and attempt at Long's Peak.

Oh, and I'm watching some Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson movie as Adam sleeps soundly. We will post pictures soon and tell you more about our trip through 6 states!!

Colorado or Bust

At the end of this week Adam and I are packing up the Subaru and heading out west.  We are both excited!! Ultimately we are going because I have an assignment as a Head Leader at Frontier Ranch...one of YL's most amazing camps.  But we are taking a week to drive out there and backpack/camp/explore and whatever else comes our way.  It does feel a bit stressful to pack for 5 weeks and for two different kinds of trips.  

In addition I've been packing up my desk/office because when I come back my boss and I will have new office space (eventually).   

So, this week definitely feels crazy, but I am excited about what is coming up!!!  Now that I've figured out Picasa we will be posting some of our pics.  Plus we got a sweet new camera!! So, get excited!!!

amyp

Wild & Wonderful

West Virginia means more to me than poverty and coal mining. I was actually born in West Virginia. I usually follow that up by saying "but I didn't live there long." Either way, it's my birthplace. And as I drove up 77 through NC and VA into WV yesterday, I was flooded with memories. I am so glad they changed the welcome sign back to "wild & wonderful" as opposed to the recent "open for business" tag line. Clearly West Virginia is wild & wonderful...and it's the most beautiful drive!

As I jammed out to Indigo Girls and Rosie Thomas with the windows down and felt the mountain breeze I was reminded of times long ago when my family would make the trip from SC to WV annually. I loved coming to WV to visit my family. And I actually enjoyed the road trip...even if it was filled with "if you cross this line I'll hit you," "If you hit me, I'll pinch you" and so on. The joys of siblings! But what I remember most are the sights and smells. In the fall, the drive up 77 is breathtaking! Rainbows of oranges, reds, yellows and greens. Even at a young age I was in awe of the glory of God's creation. As we entered VA to begin climbing the mountains I remember looking over the edge and seeing the stars. I was scared to get to close to the window for fear of falling out. Then there was the smell of cigars. I loved sitting in the far back seat of our old gray station wagon with my dad and the window down as he puffed on his cigar. Being a part of a large family meant eating on the road...literally. We'd stop at these gorgeous overlooks and eat lunch out of a cooler. I loved that...it was frugal, not cheap. right? But the best treat was DQ! They weren't around the south when I was a kid, so when we hit Charleston, WV we would beg and plead for a Peanut Buster Parfait.

Those memories came flooding back to me as I zipped around curves, hit the West Virginia Turnpike and paid my tolls in change, and caught glimpses of the same mountains I saw as a child. They are still BIG. And this time of year they are mostly green. It's a beautiful sight. But, the best part of the trip was arriving. Usually we went straight to Wheeling at the very tip of the state to visit my dad's big Italian family. I loved it. The smell of my grandparents' house, the endless supply of food, and the noise. Now it's a lot quieter up here. I don't make the trip as often as I'd like. But, I am so thankful for the memories that play like a movie in my mind.

If you ever get a chance, take a drive up 77. You can always stop at the Tamarack (exit 45) for food & crafts!! www.tamarackwv.com
-amyp