hair reflections

i've had a lot of reflections lately. reflections about my friend sydney, her family, her friends, our community, God. reflections about cancer, death & life. reflections about hair. i knew i'd lose my hair again for this round of chemo. i had just started liking my kinky-curly-post-chemo-hair, only to start losing it again. i had decided not to have another head shaving party. that's just too weird. i would keep it a bit longer and i kinda wanted to do a mini mohawk. something a little fun. i have been a bit more timid about losing my hair this year because this time i don't have breasts. it's hard that most of my body isn't feminine, and how much hair and breasts are a part of that. my friend sydney's little girl told me the other day that i look like a girl still because..."you have earrings and a necklace. and you're wearing a dress. that's how you can tell you still look like a girl." in her 5 year old mind, it was that simple. and i'm grateful for that.

my hair started coming out midway between my 1st and 2nd round of chemo. it wasn't dramatic. just lots of stray hairs, which is kind of gross. while in charleston i decided to spend the money to get it cut...trimmed on the sides and longer on top. it was subtle. and after a week i didn't like it any more. it made me look and feel more like a guy and less funky. so i was going to shave it. this time we did a sort of family head shaving party...my brother and dad began buzzing my head. my brother shaved the sides into a legit mohawk. with the encouragement of adam, my brother and sister i decided to keep the hawk. just for a day. according to adam it doesn't count if you only have it for a little bit. i was a little nervous at first. mohawks are abrupt and funky, right up my alley.

tony making the finishing touches on the hawk


charis wasn't quite sure what was going on with "mommy hair"

when my friend sydney died i knew i needed to keep the mohawk for the week. she would have totally loved it. i wish she could have seen it. by the end of the week my hair was still coming out, so adam shaved off the hawk. i have to admit i liked it and wish i did it sooner. i got lots of looks and sideways glances. you don't see many mohawks in charlotte.

a side view taken the day of syd's funeral

i'm not attached to may hair. it's just hair. yet if you ask most women they would say it'd be hard to lose their hair. hair helps us identify as women. it helps us feel pretty and feminine. we can color it and style it. we often spend absurd amounts of money to keep it up. i don't mind being bald. i think if i really minded i'd find a wig i liked and wear it. i struggle with wearing anything on my head, whether a scarf or wig. it makes me feel more self-conscious. so, i will embrace my baldness. i will live in the innocence of a 5 year old and find other ways to be feminine. i will continue to find bravery and strength from Jesus. it's through Him that i get through each day. my hope is in Jesus. my identity is in Jesus. not by hair.

not pretty...our little head shaving party


i'm thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what i look like. this isn't the woman he married (on the outside). i can only hope what God is doing on our insides is way better. i'm sure it is. he really is wonderful. he still thinks and tells me i'm pretty.
"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day bay day." 2 Cor. 4:16