Thursday, April 19, 2012

a week

most weeks are fairly predictable. adam's work schedule is the same. we have community group on mondays. i sometimes work on tuesdays. sometimes i have board meetings or survivor meetings at the pink house on tuesdays. charis goes to school tues, wed, thurs. i have chemo on wednesdays. i work on thursdays. and fridays are usually free days. then the weekends are family time. a few weeks ago we got to go to Kiawah. then there are the weeks we get stuck in durham. or there are now off weeks of chemo. some weeks i know what to expect. some i don't. some are good. some are not.

lately i've been tired. tired of having two big scars in place of breasts. tired of this damn pleurX catheter that my husband has to drain. tired of losing my hair again. (even though i don't mind being bald) tired of chemo. tired of explaining. tired of struggling. tired of being tired. lately i've just been tired. and weary. ugh.

the other day my sweet friend and old YL girl sent me a text telling me she sang "Jesus I am Resting, Resting" at her RUF meeting at UNC and it made her think of me. immediately i was reminded of His rest. and His love for me. it was as if He was beckoning me to rest in Him. and today that's where i've been.

see, this week has been one of those "off" weeks. my dad started his new regiment of chemo..every week for 6 months. yeah, his cancer is active again and in addition causing him lots of pain. it makes me sad how much pain he's in. and this morning my mom called to tell me that her path report came back from a recent liver biopsy...she has cancer...some from of Sarcoma, stage 4 in her liver, kidney and spleen. they are sending her and her path report to Cleveland Clinic for some further investigation and treatment plan. this is her 3rd cancer. yes, both my parents and myself have cancer. WTF, huh? it's strange. and honestly the news is less traumatic when you are in it too. i feel kind of numb, like i don't know what to feel or think. it's freaking crazy. i mean, out of my nuclear family, HALF of us have cancer. can that really happen? well, duh, of course it can. and honestly, the first thought i had was "God is totally up to something in my family. He has big plans for us." i'm not sure what they are but i do trust Him. and today i'm resting in Jesus.

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.


Ashley said...

i always want to comment something, but never konw what to say. i'm so thankful that you are sharing this journey. thinking about you a lot and praying for rest and for whatever God is up to. - ashley hong

Chrisann said...

I was reading in the Psalms this morning, looking at references to resting under God's wings - "And in the shadow of Your wings, I will take refuge until destruction passes by." Ps. 57:1; "Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings." Ps. 61:4 "He will cover you with His pinions and under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark." Ps. 91:4 I can not even fathom all that you have going on right now - praying that you will find rest in the shadow of His wings.

Stephanie Mckendrick said...

Kind of along the lines of Ashley's comment, I don't know really what to comment though I always want to. I am sorry you're going through this and that you have this crappy (to put it mildly) cancer, but want to join with you in believing that God is truly up to something and will pray for His rest for you.