it's back...

b/c every post needs some goodness

this post should be about how i'm adjusting to my new boobs. but, you see, that never happened. what happened was a pain in my chest (and an eventual figurative pain in my ass as well) led to a chest CT which led to a PET scan which led to a biopsy which led to a diagnosis of cancer. again. there was no talk of stage or size or much else. but the word metastases came up. within 5 months of finishing treatment and just past a month after celebrating my cancerversary i'm back at square one. this time without breasts.

i will probably start chemo in the next couple weeks and say good-bye to my jheri curl. i will finish 2011 and possibly ring in 2012 while on chemo. surgery is not an option. there is nothing really to take or remove. radiation may or may not be an option. right now it's just chemo. the hope is to manage it, not cure it. my doctor was clear on that.

i've been expecting this news. it's been a month in the making. meaning, it was just about a month ago that i reported the pain to my doctor. there has been a lot of waiting. we were told early on that it was probably cancer but we needed real data to confirm that. and although i was expecting it, it is still so surreal. i'm feeling a little all over the place as i "process" this or allow it to sink in. i surprisingly feel okay and confident that the Lord has his mighty & gentle hand in this and He is with us. i'm hopeful for a lot of things. and i'm scared about a lot of things.

as i sit in the doctor's office surrounded by much older people i feel a weird tinge of pride to be among this group. and incredibly sad. as i email or text friends to tell them the news i have a sort of out of body experience. like, "is this really happening...again?" as i read other blogs i am brought to tears because i want to live long enough to take my little girl to disney world or i want to be able to have more kids or i want to go on a fun trip with my husband or i want...you get the idea. i had to stop the blog-reading after that. yet that is my reality. i've been talking about going on a tropical vacation after the cancer thing is over (cause it's just a phase, right?) and i get my new boobs and we can get away. well, i'm tempted to make that trip happen sooner than later because i'm not guaranteed that day will come.

i don't mean to sound depressing. i'm honestly not depressed. my reality is just completely different right now. i was supposed to be recovering from my reconstructive surgery and then in the spring we were going to take that trip i was talking about. so i'm grieving the loss of my breasts again. i have to lean hard into Jesus right now because i'm tempted to become bitter. and i'd rather not. what i am thankful for is that God has chosen adam and i for this. i'm also thankful for this sweet & sassy little lady name charis root. oh my goodness is she a blast right now! i'm soaking her up. we believe that this is our story and my hope is that we honor it as we live it out. we also believe that God is good and we are fiercely trusting him each day.

if you didn't get a chance to see it, i was on the news the other day. i was honored to be asked to share my story. (i don't know how to upload the video so you can click on the link)
http://www.foxcharlotte.com/rising/rising-features/Carowinds-For-The-Cure-Survivors-Story-125554683.html