WTF

if you are a phil dunphy fan you may think this means "why the face." well, to the rest of us it means "what the fuck!" at frontier last week one of the guys said that the Psalms were like David asking/saying "what the fuck!?" to God. i thought that was an interesting take. and honestly can see that in a lot of his cries out to God.

2 weeks ago when i was told that "something significant" had shown up on a scan i was feeling a little like this WTF and another one i learned from facebook, FML (fuck my life). and let me just say i've never said the f-word this much in print or speech. anyway...after the year we've had and the job layoff we are tired. plus we were totally gearing up for my surgery. reconstruction. the end of this "journey" in a way. and literally days before i'm supposed to head into this major surgery we have to cancel it because the cancer is back.

WTF. in the past 2 weeks i've experienced a range of feelings and emotions. at my core i trust God fiercely. i've prayed for peace and comfort, and it's come my way. i don't always know or agree with what God is allowing and i know it's not new to him. he knows suffering. and now so do we.

i'm a little all over the place. we are still waiting..on a biopsy and then the plan from there. i'm not sure i've gotten good at waiting, but i'm sure doing it a lot.

for as hard as this is on us i'm getting to experience lots of goodness and joy. for one, we are weeks away from celebrating 5 years of marriage. another is our sweet & fiesty little lady; she's a perfect picture of God's "perfect and pleasing will." another was my trip to Frontier and the hanging out i'm getting to do this week with my friends from the trip...we are meeting every morning to eat breakfast together and jump in the Bible some. another is all the amazing ways friends are loving and praying for me and that they are sharing the images, scriptures, thoughts, etc that God is revealing to them as they pray for me. that is super cool. and mostly His presence. of course i want healing and for this trial to be over but my prayer continues to be for me to know Him more intimately and to know His love that is deep and high and long and wide.

i get scared sometimes to have such a vicious cancer that comes back just 5 months after finishing treatment. i get mad that these things keep happening to us. i get sad that i have to continuing living in this broken body.

and i am thankful and hopeful.