Just add baby

I think originally we were thinking we wouldn't put a lot into a baby room. For me it's because I don't have much creative vision and it feels a little much to put so much into a room for a baby. But, as we began putting this room together, I realized it wasn't about how much I spent or my "theme" or color scheme, but more about creating a space for us to be with our baby. A space to rock her, to read to her, to play with her, to be together. We both find ourselves wandering into her room just to be there, and sometimes we'll sit in there together and just talk. I've come to love this little space that I think is perfect for our baby girl and us. We have been so fortunate to get some donations (crib & bedding) and to find some fun additions. it's still random but i love it. so, here are few pics of our little place for baby girl patwa who will soon be here. whoa!

this super fun mobile i got from Etsy

a fun vintage light from my bf and our prints from Asheville

our dresser/changing table w/ fun Anthropologie knobs
and fun pink artwork from my friend, taryn

a view of the crib...love the stuffed lamb from nesting!

Reflections on Motherhood

My early fears in finding out we were pregnant were mostly centered on not feeling ready to be a mom. It seemed to me that women who plan to start a family are a bit more “ready.” Oftentimes I was struck with such an intense fear or anxiety about entering motherhood. I’ve been watching my sister and close friends become moms for 12 years now. There is a sort of sisterhood in motherhood. Unfortunately, it’s not a sisterhood I always long to be a part of. Becoming pregnant means a sort of passage into this new “sisterhood.” And, like most places where there is a majority of females, it doesn’t always feel like the most welcoming of places. I have learned a lot in these past 8 or so months. About myself, about God, about other women, about this sisterhood of motherhood.
One thing that has struck me is the lack of ability to celebrate with one another in the choices we make as moms. I’ve noticed pride and defensiveness, judgment and criticism, and comparison. None of which have been drawing me into this next journey. Not only have I seen and experienced this in other women, I’ve noticed it in myself. There have been countless times that I’ve talked to Adam about this and been so overwhelmed by it. Why do we care so much how others choose to raise their children or run their lives? Why can’t we, as women, come around one another and support the choices we make? And celebrate in our differences!
Another part of this fear for me has been the knowledge that I will screw up as a mom. What if I can’t do it? I have been so encouraged by others, including high school kids, about being a mom. BUT. When I look at all the moms that have gone before me, they look like they have it all together. It’s as if we are afraid to admit we don’t have it all together or know exactly what to do. It isn’t until I really talk to moms that I see some vulnerability and humility. Otherwise I feel like we live in a world that is telling us to act like we can handle it all. Can we? Then where does God fit into this if we can handle it all on our own?
In sharing my own hopes, desires, plans, whatever with others I’ve been confronted with this harsh truth—it feels like no one wants you to succeed. One of my hopes is to have a natural birth. This isn’t a new concept at all. I don’t even think it’s crazy. But, usually when I share this with other women I am confronted with words and attitudes that don’t feel encouraging. I’m not going around with an “I’m better than you” attitude about this. I’ve done reading and taken a natural childbirth class, I have a husband who is supportive, and we’ve invested in a doula to help. And, I’m completely realistic. I know that all that matters is a safe arrival into this world for our baby girl. And in reality, a natural childbirth provides that the most. “God created my body to do this” is my mantra that I plan on reminding myself in labor. Giving birth is a HUGE deal whether we have a c-section, painkillers, or natural. None makes a woman “better.” Yet, I feel like I constantly have to defend this desire of mine.
In college I took a Parenting class for my major. And something my professor said has always stayed with me…”parents are doing the best they know how with what they have.” I believe this is mostly true, and it’s allowed me to have a little more compassion for moms out there. Granted, we may think otherwise at times.
I have amazing girl friends and am incredibly fortunate and thankful for the variety of women in my life. This journey is teaching me to celebrate with each of them in the uniqueness of who they are as women, as moms, as friends. I have been so frustrated with a sense of competition or pride that infects this sisterhood. More than anything when I’ve shared something about my plans; I’ve just wanted others to encourage me in that. But, unfortunately I’m met with a “you have no idea til you get there” or “are you sure you want to do that” kind of attitude. Why does it even matter? I’m not saying it’s all other people because God’s been holding up a mirror to me as well. He’s revealed all the yucky parts of my heart that have been critical or judgmental towards others. He’s teaching me how to be more compassionate and gracious towards others. He’s showing me my need for this sisterhood because what I want to do most is run away from it and do this by myself. I realize as women we need each other, whether we have children or not. You may think someone’s choice or decision is crazy, but if it’s not endangering anyone, encourage them and celebrate the fact that God has created all of us to be different types of women, of friends, of moms.
At about 33 weeks I had my biggest “meltdown” which I like to describe as a thunderstorm. ☺ I felt all these fears and emotions coming to a head. God has been nudging me to talk about them, and I had some. But on this particular day, they flooded out of me. The excitement of having a baby and the fear of entering the unknown. The uncertainty of the future. The frustrations and hurt I felt from others. The heartache for my friends. All of it just BOOM exploded. And my husband was there in it with me and it was wonderful. Shortly after this, maybe a week or so, I sensed an incredible peace. It felt almost tangible. God was reminding me that He’s got me in His hands. He’s equipping me. He’s preparing me. He’s chosen this journey for me. He’s given me a partner who loves and supports me and is in this with me. He wants me to trust Him. I will mess up. I will encounter discouragement from others. I will need Him more than ever. I will also learn to celebrate with others. I will learn to encourage them in their own choices or desires, even if they seem crazy to me. I am a part of this sisterhood now. I will embrace it.

it's time

no, not that time. but it's time for a new post. my hope it to get something on here soon about this journey. adam has encouraged me countless times to put it on here. so, i'm continuing to think about it.
we are less than 2 weeks away from being a mom and dad. crazy. this has been an incredible journey. i will share more soon.
i just realized we are a blog post away from introducing baby girl patwa to the world...those of you that visit us here. can't wait.

Sometimes I forget...

...how loved I am. Don't we all? As if God's love for me isn't enough, He loves me through my husband, my family, some very amazing friends, and with the rolls and kicks of this little girl growing inside me.
I have this amazing friend that has loved me in new and amazing ways...she gets me, even though I am "out there." She has taught me so much about my own heart and pursuing the hearts of others. She makes me excited to have a baby girl b/c of the way she talks about girls and our hearts and how special God makes each of us.
Adam and I got to spend an evening with her and her amazing husband, Chris, as they captured this special time for us through the lenses of their cameras. You should see these two work and set up shots...it was so fun to play model for them...even at 33 weeks pregnant. Here is a link to their website so you too can see just how amazing she is with her words and her passion.
Jen Hunt Photography
enjoy.
(i just realized this may be tacky of me to share this, but i don't care...i want everyone to see what my amazing friend is capable of AND i love my pregnant belly too)

I am a broken seashell

I am not one of those people that feels like "the Lord really laid this on my heart" kind of people. I probably don't hear from Him so much because I'm usually doing all the talking. So when (if) it happens I feel super special b/c it's something that He wants me to hear specifically from Him. And it happened recently.
While I was at the beach for our YL staff women's retreat, God spoke to me. And it was really cool. So cool that as I thought about it today, I felt that it's worth sharing. During our time there we looked at Jesus healing the bleeding woman (Mark 5:24-34). This has always been a story I loved b/c God not only healed her physically, He freed her spiritually, mentally & emotionally. She left her encounter with Christ changed on all sorts of levels.

Anyway...one morning I went for a walk on the beach. It was such a great morning. I spent my walk praying (me talking) and just observing. I noticed that a lot of people were out looking for seashells. So, I started looking down to see if I could find a really cool one. This beach had some great shells. This is when it happened...

I was looking for shells--kinda. I love the spiral ones. And i was looking for one that was perfect and whole. In the meantime I'm passing up and over looking hundreds of other shells. That's when I felt the Lord say, "See, I don't look for the one that is whole or put together, but rather the one who is broken. And in that brokenness or imperfection I find beauty." I was so struck by this. And I really thought about how sometimes I even feel that I can't go to Him broken, but yet that's when I need Him the most. Then there are the shells that look perfect, and the moment I pick them up and turn them around, they are broken. Or the ones that just have their insides exposed. All are beautiful in their own way. The bleeding woman was a broken, but beautiful shell. I am a beautiful, but broken shell. An God is inviting me, beckoning me, to come to Him. In fact, He seeks me out as I try to hide among the other broken shells, or as I try to show my best side to fool Him (& others) into thinking I'm okay, I'm not broken. Yet, with any further digging He finds that I am not whole and I am ashamed of this. And still He passes up the perfect & whole shells to pick me up and take me home because to Him I am beautiful, I am a treasure.

I was so thankful that God showed this to me and continues to allow it to sink into my heart.

A Year of Surprises

It has been a year of surprises for me...and by year I mean the one that started November 8th, 2008 when I turned 30.
I started the year with a surprise birthday party (amazingly pulled off by my husband, sister, and best friend). It was absolutely amazing and the best surprise ever. Since I was turning 30 I wanted to be celebrated big time...and I was. Then in March we took our first trip to California where I was surprised to find out how much I love it (northern Cali that is). Driving along the Pacific Ocean had to be the best. But, the surprise came on March 15th after our trip when we found out I was pregnant. Yes...SURPRISE!! What an amazing journey that has been so far...I have come to love this little life growing inside of me. When we found out she is a girl, I was surprised to realize that I was excited about that. I always saw myself with boys...mainly b/c when it comes to bows and monograms and all that girly stuff, I'm at a loss. Plus, we girls can be mean. But, I was excited and that was a big surprise. Last week I got another surprise when I took a quick trip with about 14 other YL staff women to the beach. I am technically the Regional Womens Coordinator or something like that, so it is part of my job to care for the women on staff and to give them a voice in the greater mission of YL. I actually love this part (surprise). Anyway...these women, some of whom I just met, through me a surprise baby shower while we were at the beach. It was such a sweet surprise. They really got me! I got our stroller and they spent a few minutes sharing things they appreciated about their parents and even things about me, then they prayed for us. It was simply wonderful.

walking into the room--shock!


the ladies "surprising" me!


i mean--who knew a stroller would be so exciting!!

So, here I am, 7 weeks away from becoming a mom. Yes, I'm excited. But I am also freaked out. I know that I'm in for some more surprises (especially since the "year" isn't up yet).

it's the final countdown

since i've was up at 4am, i thought i'd really give y'all some updates!
think http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_IKcMl_a9A (proceed to jam for 5 min)

okay so this really has nothing to do with the band Europe or their song, but as I approached the 30 weeks mark, it kept coming to mind. really, just the line: "it's the final countdown!"
for me there have been a few places in time of this pregnancy that really mark it for me. the beginning when we found out. of course. 12 weeks...when we told others our news. 20 weeks...b/c that's halfway. and now 30 weeks. i mean--this is the home stretch. in a distance event it's that last few laps or meters or whatever. i can't necessarily get to this finish line any sooner or with more effort, nor do i desire to. i have to admit that this pregnancy has been amazing. what a journey it's been for me. i'm entering motherhood. (that's a whole other blog post) i am so thankful for the journey God has brought me on as he prepares me for something bigger than myself. spiritually, it's drawn me closer to God as I am constantly amazed that He designed and created us this way--to have another human growing inside my belly. those words alone are crazy. but, when i'm lying in bed and this little girl is doing all sorts of crazy kicks, rolls, and punches i am in AWE with a God who loves me, who created me to be who I am just as he knits together our baby girl in my belly. i love it. it's definitly been emotional and not because of the hormones. it just is...things become clearer, relationships already begin to change, you think more about stuff (like another person), you encounter things that are new. physically, it's been great. the beginning not as much fun as now. i was waiting with anticipation for my belly to expand...i couldn't wait to be bigger. now, it's a joke with me and adam about how huge i thought i'd get. pregnancy has done a reversal on my self-image...i love my body more now than i ever have. (not sure i will be able to say that in November, but hey) my body is doing something it was created to do...carry this little one. yeah, it's strange and strange things happen, but i have really been feeling great. and for that i am so thankful. i would like to thank swimming and pre-natal yoga for this too. i hope my final 10 weeks continue to be as great has the first 30 have been.
we've taken a picture each week sinc 20 (mainly b/c i wanted to make a flip book). so enjoy the growing belly! (i'm missing weeks 21 & 22)

20 weeks 23 weeks


24 weeks 25 weeks


26 weeks 27 weeks

28 weeks 29 weeks

30 weeks!!