last day

i've had a lot of last days in my life...last day of school, last day on a trip, last day of single life, last day of not being a mom, last day with breasts, last day of chemo, last day of radiation, and yesterday was my last day of work.

i spend a lot (and i mean a lot) of time reflecting. this past year has forced me to do it a bit more. so as i've been wrapping up my job i had a tremendous peace. i was okay. and things felt weird. they were weird as i watched my replacement unpack her things into my old desk. it wasn't sad and i wasn't angry. just weird. that is the best way to explain this whole thing. from the time i was told i'd be let go i knew that it was part of God's plan. i know that can sound churchy or uber spiritual, but it's accurate. now i don't necessarily agree or understand the decision. and so it's requiring me to let go.

i'm definitely sad to not be working for young life, even though i will still get to lead at country day. i knew in the summer of 1995 at windy gap that i wanted to work for/be a part of young life. and i've gotten some great and challenging opportunities to do that in the past 11 years. which i'm so thankful for. there is just something about getting to be a part of something big and the community is amazing. so i'm sad to be done. the "exit" has been healthy and weird. and maybe that is the nature of relational ministry. i don't know. i continue to go through waves of not getting it or even being pissed off. then i realize that i have no idea what God has in store for us. He has taken care of us in every way and i don't seem him abandoning us now.

i have applied for a few jobs. and i want to work. i also have to work. but i want to too. i'm not sure i'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. but then again God is capable of anything. i won't really be able to start a new job until after my surgery and recovery which may be mid to late august. and those are details i just can't worry about. for the next few weeks i've got some goals...declutter the heck out of this *$#&hole (i.e. our house), get rid of lots of stuff, and more importantly spend lots of time with our fiesty and sweet little lady.