Waiting

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

i remember singing this song (40 by U2) in youth group. and as i sat down it came to my mind. i'm not a naturally patient person and I don't typically like to wait. that's why i don't go through drive thrus, i hate waiting. but in the past year i've learned to wait a lot and i attribute that mostly to doctors' offices. even at the pediatrician i could wait 45 minutes with a toddler in the room. i'm not sure anyone is thinking through that. anyway. i remember last summer getting my initial breast ultrasound and having to wait a whole weekend and a couple days before the biopsy then having to wait 2 more days for the results. some things are quicker b/c of technology. i can have a scan that can be read immediately. but other things you have to wait for. whether it's a phone call from the doctor, a test result, an appointment, an answer. you get the idea. i'm waiting.

i woke up to the cries of my sweet little lady around 3:30a. although i didn't want to get up the feeling of her head in the crook of my neck and her arm wrapped around me made it all worth it. even if i couldn't go back to sleep. i am more distracted about our camp trip to Frontier. there is so much (and i mean so much) paperwork required, mostly b/c of some crazy Colorado state laws. so i'm making sure we have everything we need for the 27 kids and 3 leaders. it's what i love...forms, check lists, organization. i have been looking through all of this for weeks and today we leave. well, they leave. i am sad to say that i won't be leaving with them today. i'm waiting.

after telling my oncologist on monday about some chest/shoulder pains i've been having for the past 5-6 weeks (off and on) he decided to do a scan. that was wednesday evening. the call came thursday as i walked in to pick up charis...there were some "significant changes" on my scan that the doctor wanted to talk to me about. could i come in friday morning? yes! waiting. clearly, the dr doesn't call you in for nothing. we arrived at the doctor and i was crazy nervous. he told us about what the scan showed and that he needed to run more tests/scans to see what it could be and what he can biopsy. he is "very concerned." we talked about how i'm supposed to leave for camp and he advised me to get the scans done as soon as possible. he also thought that being at camp with this "hanging over my head" would be too much, but i may be able to do it. i think i could, but i decided it was best for me to stay home and get the scans done, then hopefully join the group at Frontier later in the week. i waited all day yesterday for a phone call to schedule my scans. it never came. i'm waiting.

hopefully they will call monday and i can get them done monday or tuesday, then see my doctor and depending on the news, head out to frontier wednesday or thursday. i want to be there because, well let's be honest, it's an incredible place. but mostly because i begged these 2 senior girls to go who i love and want to spend the week with. i know God can work without me, it's not that i think i need to be there, i want to be there. so, it's all a little up in the air. and in many ways life feels like this right now. i may or may not get my reconstruction surgery scheduled for july 8th. i may or may not get to go to camp. i may or may not have a recurrence. lots of uncertainties. yet in the midst of these uncertainties i know what is certain and stable when i or my life is not...God. so i wait patiently for him...he hears my cry, my plea...he will give me a firm place to stand.