F*$%head

*excuse the explicit language in this post.

i was called a fuckhead on the road the other day. i was driving up to one of those intersections where there is a main road and a side road. i was on the side road wanting to turn left on the main road. the right light went straight and the left lane was a turning lane. there were 3 cars in the right as i drove to a stop at the light. i heard a honk but figured it was someone else. the light turned green and i approached the intersection. as i did a black Cadillac came up on my right (maybe the 3rd car in the right lane), slowed down, honked, yelled "fuckhead" at me, and flipped me off as he drove through the intersection. i was focusing on turning when i could while being completely dumbstruck by what just happened. my first thought was "wow, what just happened." then my next thought was, "someone had a rough day." then i briefly thought, "i hope he gets in a wreck." then i came to my senses and thought maybe i should pray for the dude. i mean, he was so mad. i feel sorry for the guy.

i never understand how someone can get so mad. did he think i made my own lane as i drove past him on the left to my position at the light? did i get to close to his black caddie? did he have a bad day at work? did his wife just leave him? was he coming from a doctor's appointment where he just heard bad news? is he just a grumpy old man? i don't know the answer to any of these questions. what i do know is that i didn't do anything to elicit the name "fuckhead." although now that i've typed it 3 times it is growing on me. i drove home stunned and feeling really sorry for the guy. i'm just thinking life is too short. and maybe he was too...life is too short for me not to yell "fuckhead" to this lady in the subaru. maybe? nah, that's a bit much.

be kind to other drivers today.

garage sale season

i LOVE a bargain. i wouldn't say i'm a shopper, i mostly shop out of boredom. clearly not a wise thing. but i've been going to garage sales since i was a kid. i love waking up early and checking out other people's trash (& treasures). the jackpot is when you hit a neighborhood sale. anyway. yesterday i went out just to get out, not looking for anything in particular. i found some retro earrings for 50 cents and a lawn mower toy for 1 buck in the neighborhood sale. they had lots of good things but nothing i really needed. then on my way home i saw a sign....as a pulled up to the house, i thought, "i've hit the jackpot." upon further discovery it was a mess. one woman commented, "it looks like they cleaned out their closets and dumped everything for us to go through." it made me laugh out loud. even with the mess they had great stuff...one being this step 2 coaster that was on my garage sale list. (i know the pic is super small but that's all i could get)

and i got it for 5 bucks. yes, 5 bucks. you may be wondering what the retail price is...$109.99. i also found a pair of barely worn rainbows for 4 bucks. and a small see & say for 50 cents. i was so excited. that is what i love...when i am really looking for something and i find it, and find it cheap.

ONE and a HALF

is it annoying that i start every "charis update" with I CANNOT BELIEVE....this time it's that she is ONE and a HALF or 18 months since we are still aging in months. the sass and feistiness have kicked into high gear. she is a friggin blast these days. so stinkin cute. sometimes she reminds me of a giant gummy bear and i just want to squeeze her. we are staying busy for sure and i'm trying to soak it all up and in. i have to admit that it's hard at times. i mean, taking a step back and getting perspective it's not, but in the moment it can be. plus i've just been emotional with how wacky our lives are. i am extremely thankful to have Charis in the midst of all this "long suffering" with my health, job stuff, and financial uncertainty. there has been a moment or two where i've just wanted to sit and cry. maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i am. i think God knew/knows what he's doing, so i'll trust him.

she loves her car...best purchase ever..thankyou consignment sale

- Charis is still a great eater and she's also at the age where she actually looks at things before she puts them in her mouth and maybe if it looks different she'll slam her mouth shut, lean back and nod her head "no." after a couple tries she'll sometimes give in and eat. or she'll eat something a few times then all of sudden is over it. she had risotto w/ spinach and asparagus recently and loved it. of course by the 2nd or 3rd time (okay, maybe i'm guilty of wearing things out) she realized she was eating something green and spit the asparagus out. ho hum. the other day's lunch was a smorgus-borg with curried chick peas, chickenless chicken nuggets, black beans and rice and a smoothie. i'm always amazed with her appetite.

enjoying the farmer's market

- She is talking a lot. recently she said butterfly but it sounds more like "fuffafy" and is so stinkin cute. i got her some new pjs with butterflies on them so she's saying it a lot. when she wakes up she almost always says, "mommy...daddy...bugilickaloogow..." it's hilarious. she is even putting words together (before you judge me as that obnoxious mom, by no means is she talking in sentences or doing anything out of the ordinary...i think i'm just amazed at how she is making connections. perhaps that is why i was a child development major...it's fascinating). she'll put "swing" and "wee" together b/c we say weeeeeeeeeeee when we swing. she puts "car" and "ride" together b/c she loves loves loves to take rides in her car. she says "nigh nigh" at bed time and nap time, or when she wakes up and throws her dollie and blankets out of the crib. so, she is talking in equal parts real words and jibberish.

making faces

- we celebrated our 2nd Easter with her and this year she was way more aware of the easter basket and the toys in it. we also had our first egg hunt which was fun for about 5 eggs. but it was fun to see her "hunt" for just a bit. then she played in the sand table for a while. which i was surprised about b/c she doesn't usually like her hands dirty. Easter is hands down my favorite holiday...admittedly b/c of the baskets & candy but mostly b/c at a young age i really seemed to get the importance of Jesus' death and resurrection. as i've gotten older i understand even more what this means for me and love to see it lived out in creation too.

playing in the sand table

she found an egg...now what?!

- we went to my dad's for easter which means we got to go swimming. let me re-phrase that, Adam and Charis went swimming. she LOVED it and had no fear. adam put her under some and she'd come out saying peek-a-boo. i'm excited about getting in the pool with her some this summer too. i think we'll really have to watch her b/c she was walking up to the edge like it was no big deal. we went back to my dad's on Saturday and Charis was itching to get in the pool even with the water being so cold. we put her on the steps and soon she was venturing out (as far as she could with us holding onto her). so my brother, uncle john, got in with her and she was loving it, naked and all. when we got her out and dressed she was walking up to the edge and would have walked right in if we weren't holding onto her. can't wait to go back to the pool and see what she does when someone is in the pool for her to walk to. crazy girl, i love it.

loves the pool...she might be a fish

- peek-a-boo is a favorite game. but she says something like "bee boo."


she wanted to wear my headlamp

- potty time....so i've decided to get serious about the potty in june when i'm done working. but i have to admit that she likes to use her potty a lot. recently she pointed to her diaper and said "poo poo" so i took off her (dry) diaper and sat her on the potty where she proceeded to go...you got it, poo poo. a lot of the times she just tells us she has pee pee already in her diaper. but i'm noticing she's staying dryer for longer and goes pee pee or poo poo most every time she sits on the potty. she also really enjoys flushing the big potty. we are waiting for the day when she puts dollie or something else in it. i thought kids were afraid of the flushing. so, we'll keep you posted on if she's in "big girl undies" next month. oh, i've been debating about saying "undies" or "panties." i think panties has become such a sexualized term. things that make you go hmmmmmmm. and for the first time today, she pooed on the floor. nice. happy mother's day to me.

easter basket goodies...toy bus is her favorite

- we've been able to hang out with my twin nieces lately. they are now 6 months old and the cutest twins EVER. they are so beautiful. my sister is amazing...i don't know how she does it. i almost had a breakdown and it wasn't even that bad. i mean, charis did try to bop them on the head while i tried to fee them. and they get each other going...one is crying, you get her calmed down then the other starts and you get the idea. we have fun with them. it's fun to think about what it'll be like having them grow up so close together in age and geography. i'm pretty excited about that.

i mean--those eyes, lips, cheeks....they are scrumpteous

- she loves going to school and child watch at the Y. i am so glad. and it does feel great to hear the teachers enjoy her. today at the Y they made a tile with her handprint on it for mother's day. so sweet.

she slept with a toy watch on her wrist

- she loves to put things over her head. probably not always good things. like strings and ribbons. recently the trash bag was cinched and she put the tie around her head. she also put one of our duffels around her head and walked around. it's pretty cute and semi-dangerous. but that's how we roll.

probably not the safest thing to do

- i'm thinking a lot about the words i use to describe her. when i write this i know you are going to think i'm crazy, but i spend a lot of time thinking about story. so i think we are playing a big part in the "writing" of her story. the words we use to describe her will have the potential to shape her. yet i'm also aware that these words really do describe her. i know i can over think it, but i don't want to be careless or even ignorant about my affect on her as she grows. all that to say, we are seeing how strong-willed she is and that she does have a bit of sass and lots of feistyness to her personality. it's like at times she knows what she wants and won't back down til she gets it. really?! this can happen at 18 months?! sometimes i get so hellbent on something, like saying please, and she just won't do it. she is also extremely sweet and lovey. i have to admit that she's even a little independent. i'm trying to learn how to not make these words her identity but to nurture them in ways that will dignify her as she grows. i'll let you know how that goes in 13 years. :)

- she loves to give hugs and kisses. her teachers at school tell me that she and desiree are always hugging each other. i have a friend with a daughter who is 8 months older and she would tell me how good it is when she hugged her back for the first time. and it is such a sweet and yummy feeling. adam and i have always cherished the times she'd lay her head on our shoulder. now she hugs and that is like crack.

this really shows how much her hair is growing

i love being her mama. it's challenging and so fun. i still can't believe i'm a mom. and i'm learning that God has entrusted this gift to me. she makes me think a lot. i'm being challenged a bunch...about motherhood, story and God. it's pretty amazing.

hoarders

Hi, I’m Amy and I’m hoarder. “hi amy.”

My desire is stronger than my motivation, but I have some serious spring-cleaning to do. In the 5 years we’ve been married this is the first place we’ve lived with an attic and I am ashamed at how much crap we’ve saved/accumulated/stored up there. I would love to live a minimalist lifestyle but I am also very sentimental. I hold onto things “just in case.” And for nostalgia. My goal is to clean out the attic and really get rid of the stuff. It’s just stuff. If it turns out I need 20 frames I can go buy a new one or the many vases I’ve saved from our wedding.

This past weekend I climbed up to the attic to see what’s going on up there and start sorting to purge. It’s a strange process and I know it gets messy before it gets clean. I came across a bin marked “Amy’s old stuff.” This stuff has been through lots of moves and I’m surprised it’s made it this long. First there is a yellow pillow with my name cross-stitched on the front and my 2 baby blankets. Keeping those. Then there is a shoebox of stuff. A few old wallets. My mom’s pearl necklace she wore in her senior picture. My recorder from 5^th grade. My disc man that I got for Christmas in 1993 or 1994. My old stamp & coin collection. My Glamour Shots proofs from 8th grade. And the worst thing I found was a stack of movie & concert ticket stubs dating back to 1991. That is 20 years!! Movie tickets. What the heck! I mean-if I’ve held onto them this long I should keep them, right? Wrong! I had to throw them away. And I have to admit I’ve wanted to dig them out of the trash a few times. Why? I’m not really sure. I’m sure a counselor could unpack that for me. But I had proof that movies used to cost $3.50 and $4.25 and $5. The good ole days. I have to admit that I did hold onto a few concert tickets, namely Tom Petty, which was my first ever concert in 1991 that I went to with my youth group. And Lenny Kravitz in 1993, which was my first solo concert. I did throw away the Charlotte Hornets Stay in School Jam ticket though. I have my limits.

I just need to shed the stuff. I know that is going to feel really good. And hopefully make us a few extra bucks at our summer garage sale.

struggling with plans

i am fascinated with this thing called the internet and all this blogging. even with a blog i'm not sure what its purpose is. i mean after i saw Justin Bieber's movie Never Say Never i wanted to blog to the world just how endearing this kid is and how strange fame is. never really got around to that. sorry justin, i just said never. or i think about getting on some soapbox about pulling over for emergency vehicles or using your blinker. or i want to brag about my kid. or i could blog about the royal wedding but i think that is covered. or about whether or not our president was born in the US. i mean there is just so much going on. but a lot of times i want to tell the world (well my readers at least) what i'm thinking. which, quite frankly, is a lot.

my mind feels like a geyser at times spewing thoughts constantly. a lot has to do with what's going on in our lives. our lives have been one disruption after another. if i'm going to compare what's going on in our lives with others i can see that what we are going through pales in comparison or just the opposite. but comparing doesn't really help. i've been thinking lately about "life not being what i had planned." then i started thinking about when something happened that i actually planned. on a big scale. i didn't plan on my parents getting divorced. when i decided to go on staff i didn't plan to go to Louisiana. i didn't plan to get pregnant. i didn't plan to get cancer. i didn't plan to get laid off. you can see where i'm going with this. i have been able to see God's hand in all these "plans." He has used them for His plans and according to his "perfect and pleasing will." i've experienced great joys and deep pains because of these experiences. i'm not sure if i'd take any of them back either. yet i have to admit that it's been hard. and right now i'm weary and tired. this past year has been especially hard and i feel like the Lord has truly sustained me. however, more recently i'm realizing that i'm just so tired. i give up a lot. on a daily basis in fact. i need a break from life right now and the only thing on the horizon is a family trip to the mountains over Memorial Day, which i'm really looking forward to.

i feel like i've been strong. i hope. i trust. and i'm clinging to Jesus with a death grip. and to be completely honest, it's tiring. i'm struggling as a wife and as a mom. i can't really see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but i'm hoping. what else can i do but hope and trust that in six months we'll be in a different place. i want to be in a different place. and i'm sure i will be. i'm not in the same place i was 6 months ago or a year ago. and i'm kind of afraid to even admit this, but i need a break.

i'm not trying to be a debbie downer...this is where i'm at right now. i know i won't be here for long. especially when i get to experience this sweetness every day

and this

it's a hard knock life

i'm feeling a little inspired by Annie with this one...

i've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. there are a variety of reasons but it's mostly body image issues. it all came to a head a few weeks ago when i realized that i had decided (prior to surgery) what adam would think of my new body. i had absolutely no way to prepare for the effects a double mastectomy would have on me. the very few women i knew were older and they are bravely living without reconstruction. it had been almost 5 months post surgery when i realized that i wasn't dealing with it. and it feels pretty lonely. i know that women with all sorts of breast sizes have stories, but there is definitely something unique for me. i'd take tiny breasts any day over what i'm living with right now. it's taking such a toll on my self image. i'm honestly learning to embrace where we are and work through it with Adam. i've recently shown some friends my scars. and i have to say it's been good. i need to let others see what it is like for us. there is something humbling and cleansing about letting those close to me in to such a scary and intimate part of our journey. i have less than 3 months until my reconstruction surgery, so i feel it's important for us to continue to work through this before we venture into something new.

there are other things going on, of course. i'm losing my job. meaning, i'm being laid off. this is extremely hard, yet i feel at peace. it's equivalent to the same peace i had in the waiting room last may as i awaited my ultrasound. it's hard and i know God is in this. i will work through the end of may and was graciously given a severance with salary & benefits through the end of july. God says not to worry about tomorrow, so i'm not. i'm going to finish my job strong and set the next person up as best as i can. i'm going to enjoy a month off then have surgery. mostly i'm going to continue to trust God to take care of us. seeing that i'm a "cancer survivor" i'm realizing it's pretty important for me to have benefits. this is one of the scary parts. this and the fact that my income has accounted for half our income. i don't think we'll go hungry or be homeless. what i am totally confident of is that the Lord will provide. He is up to something major and very cool in our lives. we have a story to tell for sure. i know God is going to provide. i'm confident of this. in the mean time it may feel scary...how are we going to pay bills, how are we going to make ends meet, how will we pay for my medical benefits? i mean, the questions are endless. but i have to be honest, i'm okay. i know (KNOW) the Lord will provide...a job, benefits, food, money, peace.

i have to admit that it feels like there is so much going on with us at one time. life feels so dramatic. yet i am confident in what the Lord is doing is good. yes, it's hard and it doesn't always make sense. even if i feel like i'm losing a lot, i realize that i still have so so much. a husband who loves me, a most delightful little girl, a community that isn't afraid to enter into this with us, a family that loves us, and a God who comforts, loves and provides.

maybe it's not really a hard knock life. but i do love Annie.

Sweet & Sassy

that is our little lady. her feisty side is coming out. as she gets older it seems we are able to see her personality a bit more and she is becoming a real person. i mean- duh! it's fun to watch her interact with her friends at "school," observe others, and make her preferences known. she is keeping us full and thankful. i'm constantly amazed that she is mine. it's crazy that i'm her mom. it's the little things that get me.

so cute in her new elephant towel
- after "battling" ear infections for about 2 months, her ears are perfectly clear. ptl. we have been doing antibiotics so our next step would have been tubes. hopefully we are done for the season.

- i am so thankful for the arrival (for the most part) of spring. we all love to be outside. but it almost seems magical for charis. she has learned to walk down the little curb from our driveway and likes to walk in the street. of course she doesn't want to walk in the cul-de-sac, but rather the "main" street. she loves to watch birds and squirrels. she loves driving in her car. and she loves to visit our neighbor's dog, maggie. yay for outside weather!!!

enjoying the weather and an apple

- as i mentioned, she is feisty and i love it. of course i know that it's probably going to cause some conflict between us too. like when i say no and she frantically reaches for anything she can and flails her arms. she's also pretty determined and sometimes won't take no for an answer. hello somebody!!

- she's chatting a lot. i try to write down words she says mostly just to look back one day and see how her language developed from sounds to real words. it's so fascinating to me. some new words are "tree," "bike", even "cool bike", "shoe", "keys", "car", banana is "meena", "vroom" for cars, "cracker", "duck", "bubble", and what sounds like "why." sometimes it's "why why why why." i know she isn't really asking, but seriously. she's still signing a bunch too. let's just say she's making her needs known.

looking at the bike in a book. she LOVES to read

- she's using the potty a lot. we are just trying to make a habit of putting her on her potty. she often has a dry diaper and will go both pee pee and poo poo. then we say "bye-bye" to it in the big potty. she RARELY tells us she needs to go, but once in a while she'll sign potty. i honestly have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to "potty training, so we are trying this.

- she is fighting (& winning) for a later bed time. i've been extremely spoiled with the 6:30pm bedtime that i'm trying not to flex. but she's pretty determined. and really it's either wait 30 minutes or have her cry. and homegirl is not afraid to cry for a long time. i can flex 30 min. i can.

her first pigtails make her look like a big girl!

- she is still a great eater. i would say that she's had moments of pickiness that made me fear our good eater had turned on us, but that was temporary. thank goodness. she's back to eating lots and trying different things. we had bagel & cream cheese for the first time this week and she loves it. she also loves tomatoes. sometimes when she's eating something she says "mmmmmm." i'm serious. i think she gets that from adam and i.

really, what's there to say!?

- she is pretty meticulous. she'll find a crumb and go after it. or if she has a sticker (why people think a one year needs a sticker, i'll never know) she'll work on getting it unstuck. she seems to notice the tiniest things. she's super observant. she watches, okay stares, at people all the time.

- we went to Plaza Fiesta for the first time on a rainy saturday. it was too busy for her to play but we found an old school "ride" that she liked until we turned it on. she also enjoyed the yummy tacos we had.

just hanging out in her "ride"

sometimes i get a glimpse of something of hers and i'm floored to be her mama. i'm definitely enjoying it. i feel like our lives are slowly changing as she gets older. i'm learning which battles to fight and which ones not to even attempt. i'm trying to figure out how to teach her about God and pray with/for her. when she was new and had a little rough patch of late nights i'd sometimes sing Zephaniah 3:17 to her. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." i love the picture of Him taking delight in her. and i want her to always know she is delighted in. i've recently added it to our bedtime "routine" after we read books. it's so sweet to cuddle with her during that and it's good for my soul too.